jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
So a friend of mine made a suggestion about modern news. I should watch both cnn and fox. And where they meet consider that as fact, everything else take with a grain of salt.
I have hardened arteries now.
I have hardened arteries now.
Hilltop
Veteran member
Only do that after having at least 3 beers! Need to read the fine print warning.
If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn't her type, I'd be her type.
JimP
Administrator
dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
Faux Paux
My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.
Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.
When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, “Dale, it’s great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?”
My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.
Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.
When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, “Dale, it’s great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?”
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
The Governor of California is with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie ‘Bambi’ and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian….the vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now safe.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a ‘coyote awareness program’ for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $ 2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8. The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
TEXAS:
The Governor of Texas is with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps going. The Governor has spent $ 0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie ‘Bambi’ and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian….the vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now safe.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a ‘coyote awareness program’ for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $ 2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8. The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
TEXAS:
The Governor of Texas is with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps going. The Governor has spent $ 0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
A Jehovah's Witness knocks on the door of a house. The door is opened by a twelve-year old boy holding a cocktail, smoking a cigar, and wearing his dad's favorite hat. The startled Jehovah's
Witness says, "Um, is your mom or dad home?
The boy replies, What the hell do you think, mister?"
Witness says, "Um, is your mom or dad home?
The boy replies, What the hell do you think, mister?"
An airplane is about to crash, when a female passenger stands up and announces, "If I'am going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothes and shouts, Is there somebody
on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt, and says," Here, iron this!"
on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt, and says," Here, iron this!"
If you want anything said, ask a liberal.
If you want anything done, ask a Conservative
If you want anything done, ask a Conservative
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
Taylor Swift has made millions singing about her bad choices in men.
Endorses Joe Biden.
My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends..
I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.
I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.
Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him what the hell is wrong with you?
So Ray says "Ive been running from the cops but I finally lost them"
Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?"
Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"
"Thats not against the law" said Dewey,
"Thats what I thought," said Ray.
"But those guys at Home Depot thought it was"
So Ray says "Ive been running from the cops but I finally lost them"
Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?"
Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"
"Thats not against the law" said Dewey,
"Thats what I thought," said Ray.
"But those guys at Home Depot thought it was"