jocularity

[kidoggy]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

 

[kidoggy]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!
I said, "Wow!
Then her friend said "She means 666-3629."

 

[kidoggy]

Vegas starts final phase in completely opening back up to the public. Things will get back to business as usual as soon

as they are done installing sneeze guards on all the call girls.

 

[kidoggy]

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

[kidoggy]

I remember my first time using a condom.

I just turned 18 and went to buy a packet on condoms from the pharmacy. There was an attractive, young assistant behind the counter and she could tell that I was new to it. She handed me the package and ask if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb to show me. I still looked confused. So she looked around the store to see if it was empty and walked to a door and locked it. She then led me into the back room and took off her shirt, unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

“Do these excite you?”

I say “yes” as I took the condom out of the packet. She then dropped her skirt, took of her panties and laid down on the table.

“Well come on, we don’t have much time.”

So I climbed on top of her and was done within a few moments. She looked up and me and said:

“Did you put the condom on?”

I said “I sure did” and then held up my thumb to show her.

 

[kidoggy]

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his

accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.”

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.

“Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

“Let me tell you a story,” replied the rabbi. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”

“No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”

 

[kidoggy]

Larry goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:

"Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Larry replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Larry's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Larry:

"Larry, how is your hearing now?"

Larry says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

 

[kidoggy]

A lawyer and a doctor are at a cocktail party.

A person comes up to the doctor and asks about a symptom he's been having lately.

The Dr. gives him some advice and turns to the lawyer.

"It's always awkward when people ask me for my professional opinion in a casual setting. Do you think it's ok if I charge them?"

"Absolutely" says the lawyer. "I think it's perfectly fine."

The following week the doctor gets a bill from the attorney.

 

[kidoggy]

am I the only one that finds it comical that the communist party of america has picked a basement dweller as their front runner????????????????????????????


Hiden joe biden (chuckle)

 

[kidoggy]

and more comic relief from the dem party.......... let me introduce ya'll to "red the weeper." life is certainly more comical then fiction.
https://www.foxnews.com/us/wisconsin...osition-arrest

 

[kidoggy]

A good looing girl walked by

and I jokingly said to my wife "bet you wish you had legs like that".

She started crying.

So I wheeled her back to the car.

 

[kidoggy]

What did socialists use before candles?

Light bulbs!

 

[kidoggy]

Now that I've lived through an actual plague,

Now that I've lived through an actual plague, I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked, fat people laying on couches.

 

[JimP]

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted:

"Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

(This means: “Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it.)

The man shouted back:

"I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Biden's Presidential run. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied (in English): "Use both hands."

 

[kidoggy]

Welcome to my man cave

Proctologist: Please stop calling it that

 

[kidoggy]

First they came

for the communists

And I did not speak out because I was not a communist.

Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist.

Then they came for the antifa sissies, and I did not speak out because I was not an antifa sissie.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I am not a Jew.

Then they came for the colored folks, but I did not speak out because I was not black.

Then they came for the ragheads, but I did not speak out because I am not arab.

Then they came for the queers and transvestites, but I did not speak out because I am not queer.

Then they came for the feminists, but I did not speak out because I am not a feminist.

Then they stopped coming for anyone because all the problems were pretty much gone at that point.

 

[kidoggy]

Dear Ann,

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts, and my father - a former dentist - is in jail for 30 years, for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The supporters of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle Benny (a master pick-pocket nicknamed "Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters (who are well-known streetwalkers.)

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is only 16 years old, so we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers.

Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who is a democrat?

 

[kidoggy]

More Pandemic Woes

Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students,

Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.

 

[kidoggy]

$5.00 says Biden accidentally votes for Trump

 

[kidoggy]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl also tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy and tells him everything there is to know about protection.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy whether he would like the 3-pack or 10-pack. The boy picks the 10-pack because he thinks he will be really busy since it is his first time.

The boy shows up at the girl's house and she takes him to the dinner table where her family is sitting. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

One minute passes and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. Several more minutes pass and he shows no movement. Finally the girl leans over and whispers"I had no idea you were so religious"

The boy whispers back" I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'