jocularity

JimP

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Mar 28, 2016
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Gypsum, Co
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function
and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

"WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
new 2021 models. I saw one I really liked.

"MAN: "How much?

"WOMAN: "$95,000.

"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

"WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000.

"WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!

"MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking
at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose
phone this is?"
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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idaho
An angry wife was complaining about her husband...
.... spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
 

JimP

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Mar 28, 2016
4,505
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Gypsum, Co
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4.
I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.

The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right.
The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately.

The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?
Boy: Pockets.
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
*Madam:* I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: O MY GOD!!
Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!!!
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh ! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam,
"Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

LOL!! I got them all wrong too!!
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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idaho
twenty five years ago I married a gal. We still do it doggystyle, I beg for it and she rolls over and plays dead .
 
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kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''
 
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dirtclod Az.

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Jan 26, 2018
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Arizona
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''
You sir are one very twisted individual! 💥
 
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kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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idaho
A hunter walking through the jungle, found a very large dead elephant, with a pygmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pygmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

The pygmy said, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pygmy replied, "There are about two hundred of us."
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
4,791
2,109
53
idaho
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"