jocularity

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,604
347
idaho
Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Henry, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,604
347
idaho
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable / TV 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

City, County & State Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,604
347
idaho
I live in constant fear
That someone will kidnap my Mother-in-Law!


Who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, Bldg C, Apt 32
3rd floor on the left.
The key is under the mat!
 

Fink

Veteran member
Apr 7, 2011
1,842
39
West Side, MoMo
Dear Mom And Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps.

It was neat.

We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus.

He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Johnnie
 
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kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,604
347
idaho
"May Day! May Day!


This is the story of a young college student flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.


The pilot has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"

She then hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary"

"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven…
 
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kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,604
347
idaho
A blonde gets pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop asks for her license. She digs through her purse for a bit, then asks, "What's it look like?" The cop says "It's a little rectangle with your picture on it." The blonde rummages again and hands the cop a rectangular makeup mirror. The cop says "Why didn't you tell me you're a cop? Have a nice day!"
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,604
347
idaho
A teacher at the school for obese children

has been fired for taking cocaine.
He was given away by his massive pupils.
 

Fink

Veteran member
Apr 7, 2011
1,842
39
West Side, MoMo
HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog chit!"

Then I would say, "It is dog chit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something chitty for free, and then making you pay to get the chitty taste out of your mouth."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,604
347
idaho
yestiddy I were buying beer at the local grocery store.

the young checkout gal ASKED ME, " got any ID?"
I answered, " bout wut!"
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,604
347
idaho
At an auction in Mumbai a wealthy Indian announced that he had lost his wallet containing $10,000 and would give a reward of $100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a person shouted, “I’ll give $150!”
 

Fink

Veteran member
Apr 7, 2011
1,842
39
West Side, MoMo
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Verde, Fla. exactly the way the pros do it.

The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water.

Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.

However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying: "Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one."

The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition. This could be 'divine guidance'.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: "Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing."

So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.

The voice boomed out again: "Take another practice swing."

Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited ...

A long silence followed ...

Then the voice again: "Use the old ball."
 

Fink

Veteran member
Apr 7, 2011
1,842
39
West Side, MoMo
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blonde was filling upher car at the next pump. She glanced over and looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in the barter system, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded.....

"Maybe. How much ammo ya got?"
 

Colorado T

Active Member
Aug 28, 2011
401
6
Littleton, CO
Two old ladies were walking down the street with their dogs in tow when one says to the other, "lets have a drink in the bar". The other lady says " they won't let us in with the dogs", to which the first lady replies "Just follow my lead".
She puts her sunglasses down and walks in when the bar tender hollers out "Sorry lady, no pets allowed." She responds "Sorry sir but this is my service dog as I am blind". The bar tender was a little suspicious since it was a Doberman but allowed her to stay.
Seeing this, the second lady followed in with her sunglasses on and immediately the bar tender hollered "sorry lady no pets". The lady spoke up that this was her service dog since she was blind. The bar tender this time wasn't convinced since her dog was a Chihuahua and said "I'm sorry but I have never seen a Chihuahua as a service dog". The lady yelled out "Those a-holes gave me a Chihuahua??"
The bar tender allowed her to stay.
 
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