jocularity

kidoggy

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Biden campaign strategy

1. Replace photos of Biden in all campaign literature with photos of puppies and kittens.

2. Ask to have the election postponed by a month then force-feed Biden until he can fit into a Santa Claus suit, so he’ll look the part when he promises us free this, that and the other thing.

3. Claim Biden has laryngitis from now until Election Day so what Lincoln said about fools and keeping their mouths shut won’t be a problem.

4. Print $20 bills with Harriet Tubman’s face on them in order to make up the difference between Biden’s campaign chest and what Trump is raising.

5. Sew Biden’s hands in his pockets so they won’t go wandering down dresses and blouses.

6. Campaign for the electoral vote in all of Obama’s 57 states.

7. Send Hunter on an indefinite foreign fact-finding trip and hope the Republicans forget about him.

8. Avoid taking the knee as much as possible so the campaign won’t have to worry about getting him back up.

9. Catch Covid-19 and hope for the sympathy vote.

10. When all else fails send in BLM to burn down the polling places
 
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kidoggy

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!
Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth" "? Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
 

kidoggy

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A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
 

kidoggy

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First dog says "I was playing ball with my owner, little Tommy. I got very excited, and accidentaly injured him. I'm here to get neutered.

Second dog says "I was on a walk with my owners, the Roberts family. Another family with an annoying dog were also there. I got very excited, and mauled their dog. I'm here to get neutered."

Third dog says "I was at home in the back yard with my owner, a single woman. It was a very hot day. She was doing yard work, wearing very little. She was on all fours. I got very excited, and mounted her right there."

"And you're here to get neutered?"

"No. I'm just getting my nails trimmed."
 

kidoggy

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A blonde gets a job on the road department

She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.
The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.
The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average!
"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles.
The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."
The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile.
Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"
The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."
 

kidoggy

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Has anyone else’s gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on the sofa at the start of April and I’ve grown bigger ever since.
 
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kidoggy

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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
 
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kidoggy

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A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you a story" replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel'".

The woman protested "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my dear! Either way, the results will be the same".
 

kidoggy

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Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.