jocularity

JimP

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Mar 28, 2016
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So, I was in the McDonald's drive-through this morning and the guy behind me honked his horn, and then flipped me off because he felt I was taking too long to order.

Wow, "Take the high road" I thought to myself. So I paid for his food.

I moved my car up and shortly after he leaned out of his vehicle window, looking all crazy at me because the cashier told him I paid for his food. He obviously felt embarrassed.

When I arrived at the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took his food order too!

I paid for it, so it was mine!

I was unable to see his reaction when he got to the pick up window but..........................

He's going learn you just don't mess with us old people.

 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Well, years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered.

"Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
 
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kidoggy

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One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it will take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, but decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April',he hollered into the bathroom,'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!
 

kidoggy

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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her
in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card
bill!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

Two Irishmen in a passing car witnessed this spectacle. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. We're going to need a designated driver tonight!! Look at the test they're giving now!!"
 
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kidoggy

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When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal, subject to interruption, and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK.........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the door yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK..........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK........They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
 

kidoggy

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Trailer Park Rules


1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three months.
2. No changing your oil in the street.
3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.
4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each.
5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am.
6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.*
7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. *
8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned.
9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not.
10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred.
Note* (Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval.)
Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park more enjoyable for everyone
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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idaho
My MD asked me if alcoholics run in my family.

I said, "No, but we all stumble around and break stuff.
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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Scientists have discovered another health hazard

It has been unofficially named the "Peekaboo" virus.

Everyone who contracts it will immediately be sent to ICU.