jocularity

[JimP]

The Ron Chester Story


Ron Chester, 93 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2:00 a.m. and was asked where he was going.


Ron replied, “Well, officer, I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects alcohol, smoking and staying out late have on the human body."



The officer asked, "Really, so you’re going to a lecture? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"



Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[JimP]

President Biden visits a remote Native American reservation. With news crews

following him around as they tour the place, the President asks the chief if there

is anything they need.

"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs. First, we have a

medical clinic, but no doctor to man it.”

Biden whips out his cellphone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes,

and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days.”

"Now what was the second problem?”

"We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the

water our people have been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying

bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive.”

Once again, Biden dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then

hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting

up a purification plant for your people.”

"Now what was that third problem?" The chief looks at him and says, "We have no

cellphone reception up here!"

 

[JimP]

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied.

They then asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

The couple replied, "It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

 

[kidoggy]

My neighbor is mad at his wife for sunbathing in the nude.
Personally, i'm on the fence !

 

[kidoggy]

An old German man was on his death bed.

About to breathe his last, he rallied a bit and opened his eyes a tiny slit. He gasped, "Is my wife here?" His wife moved to the bedside, "Yes, I'm here my love." Then he gasped, "Are all my children here?" All his children joined their mother at the beside, "Yes, we're here for you, Father," Then in a bare whisper, "Are all my grandchildren here." All the grandchildren crowded in, "Yes, grandfather, we're all here."

"THEN WHY IS THERE A LIGHT ON IN THE KITCHEN!" he yelled.

 

[kidoggy]

A sign of the times is that a lot of elderly people have to continue working.

This old guy went for an interview:

Human Resource interviewer, “What would you say is your main weakness?”

Elderly man, “Honesty.”

Human Resource interviewer, “Honesty? I don’t think that’s a weakness.”

Elderly man, “I don’t give a crap what you think.”

 

[kidoggy]

There are 3 unwritten rules in life.

1,)
2.)
3.)

 

[El Serio]

The Devil challenged Jesus to a computer programming contest, with God as the judge.

The two competitors sat down at their computers and began typing furiously. As the time for their contest was about to expire; a bolt of lightning struck, briefly knocking out power to both computers.

When power came back on, God asked the Devil to show his program first. The Devil replied "I have nothing, I lost everything when the power went out." When God asked Jesus to show his program, he clicked a button and an animation of choirs of angels appeared on the screen while sweet music poured from the speakers. The astonished Devil asked "I lost everything, how did Jesus keep his program?"

God replied simply: "Jesus saves"

 

[kidoggy]

A woman called her husband at work and said "the windows are frozen..."
The husband replied "Oh, just pour some warm water on it"...
The wife agreed and hung up...

She called the husband back a few minutes later, frantically, and said...
"I did what you said, but now, the computer won't start at all and there's smoke coming out of it...!!!"

 

[kidoggy]

I just found out I'm colorblind.

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.

 

[kidoggy]

My wife got stung on her forehead by a bee. She’s in E.R. now, her face all swollen and bruised - she almost died!
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

 

[kidoggy]

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He expected to inherit the family fortune soon once his ailing father died.

In preparation Tom wanted proceed to do two things:

• to learn how to properly invest his inheritance and
• to find a great wife to share his fortune with

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty immediately took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will be dead and I will inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the young woman asked to see his business card.
…and two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

 

[kidoggy]

Joe Biden & Nancy Pelosi eat a lot of ice cream.

They don't have to worry about brain freeze.

 

[kidoggy]

A married couple was in a terrible accident..

...where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[kidoggy]

So, after a recent BLM riot
....oops, I meant "peaceful protest", in a small city, the question was raised as to why, although a great many businesses were completely destroyed and looted by the mob, other establishments escaped the destruction completely, and were spared
A detective was hired to look into the matter. Here's what he had to say:

It's no surprise that the clothing factory outlet was spared. After all, their specialty is work boots and work gloves; nothing the looters would have any use for!

The Employment Agency was spared because none of the rioters even knew the place existed, let alone what it was! Their latest Help Wanted ads will be posted in tomorrow's paper!

The Welfare Department was spared because they seem to have the name and address of most of the rioters on file. In fact, it seems some of the rioters were on a first-name basis with the staff there

The Orphanage was spared when a group of children ran outside screaming "Daddy! Daddy!", and the mob fled in terror

The Country-Western bar was spared because it was here that the riot ended. It seems the DJ yelled something about a "Hoedown", and the leaders of the mob ceased rioting and demanded an ambulance IMMEDIATELY!!

 

[kidoggy]

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

 

[kidoggy]

Confucius say
"Man who run behind bus, exhausted. But man who run in front of bus, tired."

 

[kidoggy]

Agony: A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with jock itch.

 

[kidoggy]

My buddy had a 3some with his GF and her twin


I asked him how he could tell them apart? He told me her brother had a mustache…

 

[kidoggy]

My buddy had a 3some with his GF and her twin


I asked him how he could tell them apart? He told me her brother had a mustache…

don't judge , it's a well groomed stache.