I saw a midget scaling down a prison wall
I thought that was a little condescending
I thought that was a little condescending
jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
So far no one has given me a straight answer
dems seek to ban valentines day
reason ............... not gay enough!!!!!!!!!
reason ............... not gay enough!!!!!!!!!
My teenage son asked me if I ever fell in love
with a high school teacher.
"In fact, I did. She was gorgeous! I couldn't take my eyes off of her... I dreamt of a life together with her day and night."
"Wow! What happened with that, dad?" he excitedly asked.
"Your mom moved you to another school."
with a high school teacher.
"In fact, I did. She was gorgeous! I couldn't take my eyes off of her... I dreamt of a life together with her day and night."
"Wow! What happened with that, dad?" he excitedly asked.
"Your mom moved you to another school."
What did Sadaam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet
talk about? How the Kurds were getting in the way.
talk about? How the Kurds were getting in the way.
A man was pulled over by a police officer.
As the officer approached the vehicle, he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"
Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them."
Realizing the officer was giving him a skeptical look the driver said, "Sir, with your permission I'd be more than glad to give you a demonstration." Cautiously the officer stepped back and said "Alright, but you'd better be telling the truth." A few seconds later, the man was on the side of the road tossing the knives high into the air with ease as the police officer watched, mesmerized.
Two old men happened to drive by and both gazed in astonishment. The one looked at the other and said "Sure glad I gave up drinking, these sobriety tests are getting ridiculous!"
As the officer approached the vehicle, he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"
Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them."
Realizing the officer was giving him a skeptical look the driver said, "Sir, with your permission I'd be more than glad to give you a demonstration." Cautiously the officer stepped back and said "Alright, but you'd better be telling the truth." A few seconds later, the man was on the side of the road tossing the knives high into the air with ease as the police officer watched, mesmerized.
Two old men happened to drive by and both gazed in astonishment. The one looked at the other and said "Sure glad I gave up drinking, these sobriety tests are getting ridiculous!"
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000
... per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"
"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his junk off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".
... per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"
"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his junk off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".
A pirate walked into a bar...
and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? "The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was the first day with me hook!"
and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? "The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was the first day with me hook!"
I think my coworkers are gay
Every time I walk by, they mumble “What an ass.”
Every time I walk by, they mumble “What an ass.”
Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
Jim was at death's door......
He had been married to a tough old bird, Eunice for over 50 years. She made the best apple pies that he just never could resist. As he was laying in bed with his eyes closed waiting for the end, he could smell an apple pie. He didn't know if he had died or if he was still alive, but he was sure he could smell it. So he decided to find out.
Although weak and frail, he somehow got up the strength to get out of bed and although he couldn't see very well, he followed the smell of apple pie. Since their house was small, he figured he could find the kitchen by feeling along the walls.
After what felt like an eternity, Jim finally made it to the kitchen. He was weak, out of breath and didn't know if or how he would ever get back to his bed, but he knew he could smell the pie. He opened his eyes and although blurry, there it was....one of Eunice's delicious, hot, apple pies right in front of him. Finding a fork, he was just about to get a bite when Eunice smacked his hand and said, "Jim, stop that! You know you know that's for the guests after the funeral."
He had been married to a tough old bird, Eunice for over 50 years. She made the best apple pies that he just never could resist. As he was laying in bed with his eyes closed waiting for the end, he could smell an apple pie. He didn't know if he had died or if he was still alive, but he was sure he could smell it. So he decided to find out.
Although weak and frail, he somehow got up the strength to get out of bed and although he couldn't see very well, he followed the smell of apple pie. Since their house was small, he figured he could find the kitchen by feeling along the walls.
After what felt like an eternity, Jim finally made it to the kitchen. He was weak, out of breath and didn't know if or how he would ever get back to his bed, but he knew he could smell the pie. He opened his eyes and although blurry, there it was....one of Eunice's delicious, hot, apple pies right in front of him. Finding a fork, he was just about to get a bite when Eunice smacked his hand and said, "Jim, stop that! You know you know that's for the guests after the funeral."
I pulled up to a stop light next to a Lamborghini and decided to brag about my Prius. I told the guy "I get 48 miles per gallon. What do you get?" He looked over and said "Laid"
Curtis walked into a drug store in Texas...
and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman behind the counter said that she was the owner of the store and the only pharmacist there. She also said that she owned the store with her sister and there were no male employees. Then she asked if she could help him.
Curtis said he would be much more comfortable discussing his situation with a male pharmacist...
But, the lady pharmacist assured him that she was a consummate professional and whatever his situation was, he could be confident that she would treat him with a highest level of courtesy and professionalism.
Curtis thought about it for a minute, but finally agreed to talk to this lady...
He began by saying, "Ma'am, this really difficult for me to discuss, especially with a lady such as yourself... but, here's what's happening..." He continued... "I get an erection, every single day, an it lasts for more than five hours..."
Curtis goes on... "They cause me a lot of embarrassment and severe social problems when I'm in public or at a store because the danged thing swells to more than eight inches long and almost two inches around... He continues to say..."It get enormous, I just can't hide it..."
Then he asked the pharmacist... almost pleading...
"Ma'am, I have to ask... is there anything can you give me for it...?"
The pharmacist replied, "And, this happens to you every day...?" Curtis answers, "Yes Ma'am..."
The pharmacist asks... "And, you say your erections are enormous...?" "yes ma'am..." Said Curtis...
Finally the pharmacist says to Curtis... "Just a minute, I need to talk to my sister about this... Let's see if we can come up with something for you..."
A few minutes later, the pharmacist and her sister come back to the counter and they said... "We've discussed your situation together, and we decided this is the absolute best we can do for you..."
The pharmacist and he sister continued... "Would you accept a 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses...?"
and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman behind the counter said that she was the owner of the store and the only pharmacist there. She also said that she owned the store with her sister and there were no male employees. Then she asked if she could help him.
Curtis said he would be much more comfortable discussing his situation with a male pharmacist...
But, the lady pharmacist assured him that she was a consummate professional and whatever his situation was, he could be confident that she would treat him with a highest level of courtesy and professionalism.
Curtis thought about it for a minute, but finally agreed to talk to this lady...
He began by saying, "Ma'am, this really difficult for me to discuss, especially with a lady such as yourself... but, here's what's happening..." He continued... "I get an erection, every single day, an it lasts for more than five hours..."
Curtis goes on... "They cause me a lot of embarrassment and severe social problems when I'm in public or at a store because the danged thing swells to more than eight inches long and almost two inches around... He continues to say..."It get enormous, I just can't hide it..."
Then he asked the pharmacist... almost pleading...
"Ma'am, I have to ask... is there anything can you give me for it...?"
The pharmacist replied, "And, this happens to you every day...?" Curtis answers, "Yes Ma'am..."
The pharmacist asks... "And, you say your erections are enormous...?" "yes ma'am..." Said Curtis...
Finally the pharmacist says to Curtis... "Just a minute, I need to talk to my sister about this... Let's see if we can come up with something for you..."
A few minutes later, the pharmacist and her sister come back to the counter and they said... "We've discussed your situation together, and we decided this is the absolute best we can do for you..."
The pharmacist and he sister continued... "Would you accept a 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses...?"
A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:
Driver: What's going on?
Policeman: A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.
Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.
Policeman: About a gallon.
Driver: What's going on?
Policeman: A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.
Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.
Policeman: About a gallon.