jocularity

[kidoggy]

What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story.
At 78 - You can get out of bed, that's another story.

 

[kidoggy]

While in flight an engine on the airplane sputters to a stop.

The captain comes over the intercom. "Attention passengers we've had a minor problem with one of our engines but we have three more and will only be a little late arriving at our destination".

A short while later another engine grinds to a halt with a small train of smoke coming from it. Again the captain comes on the intercom. "Attention passengers We are continuing to have minor technical issues with our engines but we have two fully functional engines and will now be an hour late to our destination."

Passengers begin to grumble but hope for the best. Then the third engine also stops and very quickly the captain comes over the intercom. "Attention passengers we are down to one engine and are looking for and open runway to land for maintenance"

A blonde passengers stands up and says "Thank God that fourth engine didn't go otherwise we would be stuck up here all day".

 

[kidoggy]

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

 

[idcwby]

Pastor

A pastor a assured his congregation he was their servant and they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem. That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't sleep." "I’m so sorry to hear that," he comforted her. "But what can I do about it?" the pastor said. She sweetly replied, "Preach to me a while, pastor."

 

[idcwby]

Street Crossing

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

 

[kidoggy]

From the News

After Wednesday's events Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too.

 

[JimP]

Ordering a Pizza in 2021

CALLER:
Is this Pizza Delight?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Delight last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

 

[Bonecollector]

Ordering a Pizza in 2021

CALLER:
Is this Pizza Delight?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Delight last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

Sad but true....
Also Freedom of speech no longer exists in what was once a great nation....
I fear where our nation is heading.

 

[kidoggy]

Sad but true....
Also Freedom of speech no longer exists in what was once a great nation....
I fear where our nation is heading.

it's no longer heading, we are there. damned commies!
I've known for 50 years that stupidity would bring down this nation but until recently I never though it would be commies!

 

[Winchester]

Known about problems for 50 years but done nothing ....
sounds like Joe Biden

 

[kidoggy]

Known about problems for 50 years but done nothing ....
sounds like Joe Biden

SSS????????

I vote right . can't help that at least half the nation is idjuts.

 

[kidoggy]

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

 

[kidoggy]

with the coronavirus restrictions in place
the U.S. had to stage a coup at home this year.

 

[kidoggy]

Seeking the woman of my dreams. Must love the outdoors, camping, hunting and fishing. Must have a boat.
Send picture of the boat.

 

[El Serio]

What's the difference between a gender studies degree and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of 4.

 

[kidoggy]

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read any of it.

My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.
The plumber told me.

 

[kidoggy]

I invented a golf ball that goes into the hole if it's within 4 inches.
Warning: DO NOT put it into your pants pocket !!!

 

[kidoggy]

One man says to another, :"My wife is an angel".

Other man: "You are so lucky, mine is still alive."

 

[kidoggy]

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer ?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

 

[JimP]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Rustom about enlarging her breasts.

Dr Rustom advised her "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,
'Scooby Doobie dDoobies, I want bigger boobies!"

She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement, she grew terrific D-cups!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovelies if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby Doobie, Doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. 'Rustom?'
'Yes, I am... How did you know?
'
He winked and replied, "Hickory Dickory dock...."