jocularity

kidoggy

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A blond and her husband were in bed, but couldn't sleep, because the neighbor's dog was barking, and barking. Finally, the blond got out of bed, and said, "I'm going to fix this."

She came back to bed in a while, and her husband said, "what did you do - I can still hear the dog barking?"

The blond said, "I put the dog in OUR back yard, let's see how THEY like it"
 

kidoggy

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The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look into that.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again..

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
 
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JimP

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Retirement:


You can retire to Arizona where
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??


-OR-

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.


-OR-

You can retire to New York City where…

1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression


-OR-

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.


-OR-

You can retire to The Deep South where.

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.

6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!


-OR-

You can move to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail .


-OR-

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where…

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?”


-OR-

FINALLY you can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
 

kidoggy

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A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, imbibing a few shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him, smiles, and then says, "Not anymore! He is!"
 

kidoggy

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In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
 

JimP

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Gypsum, Co
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our
marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't
have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this
morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you did the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have
married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you,
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like
most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
'I like your sense of humor!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
 

kidoggy

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Little Sally comes home from school munching on a big bag of candy.

Her mother says, "Where'd you get the money for that!?"

Sally laughs and says, "Little Johnny bet me five dollars I couldn't climb up the flag pole! I did it, and I won!"

Her mother shakes her head. "You dummy! He was just trying to get a peek at your panties!"

"Oh no!" Little Sally says, embarrassed.

But the next day, she comes home with another bag of candy.

Her mother says, "Did Little Johnny pay you to climb the flag pole again!??"

"Yes!" says Little Sally. "But I sure fooled him! I didn't even wear any panties!"
 
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JimP

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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

Hahaha! 😃 😃 😃

★¨`*•♫.•Pass it on!! Give someone else a reason to smile. ♫ ..•* ★
 

kidoggy

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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
 
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kidoggy

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As I was leaving my apartment today, my neighbor was leaving too.

She looked at me in disgust (sadly...not unusual) and said, 'You know that we can hear you when you are having sex some mornings. You moan very loudly with 10 minutes of heavy breathing and ridiculous grunting at the end. We have young children you know! How about being considerate of your neighbors".

She abruptly turned and walked away.

I was upset by what she said to me because I didn't know I was THAT noisy.

And I was even more upset because that's just me putting on my shoes and socks in the morning.
 

kidoggy

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An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up
to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide,
knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers,
“I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs,
“Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,
“Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.
 
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kidoggy

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My wife is plagued by chronic debilitating migraine headaches. Numerous doctors and procedures have done nothing to ameliorate her symptoms. She's in the bedroom with the lights off crying right now.

Well, enough about her.....back to my tuba and drum practice.
 
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Hilltop

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Feb 25, 2014
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Eastern Nebraska
Bear Removal Service



A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his

roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad

for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear

remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a

baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred

old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go

up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When

the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his

testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me

to put him in the cage in the back of the van."



What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.



"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."