jocularity
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Bonecollector
Veteran member
Just goes to show how dumb some folks are. Man is mauled to death attempting to take a self with a wounded bear.
Witness says the deceased went fist to claw! Seriously!
The Hindustan Times also reported the bystanders "were busy shooting the incident on their mobile phones instead of trying to rescue him." Insane!!! Not sure who is worse.
Then this...
""Institute of Information Delhi said India topped the list of countries with selfie-related deaths, with 76 deaths from March 2014 to September 2016.""
Ugh...
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/man-mauled-to-death-while-trying-to-take-selfie-with-a-bear/ar-AAwTRBV?li=BBnbfcL
Witness says the deceased went fist to claw! Seriously!
The Hindustan Times also reported the bystanders "were busy shooting the incident on their mobile phones instead of trying to rescue him." Insane!!! Not sure who is worse.
Then this...
""Institute of Information Delhi said India topped the list of countries with selfie-related deaths, with 76 deaths from March 2014 to September 2016.""
Ugh...
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/man-mauled-to-death-while-trying-to-take-selfie-with-a-bear/ar-AAwTRBV?li=BBnbfcL
Last edited:
Hilltop
Veteran member
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.
The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."
The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."
The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."
The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."
The Cruel Sea ...
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff Irishman answered his door to find two grim-faced constables.
"We're sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen,” said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O’Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’Flynn. Swallowing hard, he then asked, “What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, “We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff Irishman answered his door to find two grim-faced constables.
"We're sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen,” said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O’Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’Flynn. Swallowing hard, he then asked, “What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, “We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow
Last night I was walking home and decided to take a short cut past the cemetery... 3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were really scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand... I used to be freaked out too when I was alive..."
Never seen anyone run that fast!
Never seen anyone run that fast!
JimP
Administrator
Dear Abby.....
The other day while standing by my bedroom window, I saw my neighbor's daughter sunbathing topless in her back yard. As I was knocking one out of the park, I turned to notice my Wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me......Is she a pervert?
The other day while standing by my bedroom window, I saw my neighbor's daughter sunbathing topless in her back yard. As I was knocking one out of the park, I turned to notice my Wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me......Is she a pervert?
Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.
Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."
The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"
Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."
The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"
tim
Veteran member
Three men go fishing in a boat. The boat sinks and they all die. At the pearly gates St. Peter is waiting and says to the 3 men: "I'm going to ask each of you a single question and how you answer will determine what type of vehicle you will drive here in heaven." St. Peter asked the first man, "How mant times have you cheated on your wife?" The man replies, "Only 3 times." St. Peter says, "Wrong, 7 times!" He gives the man a rusted out VW. He asked the second man. "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" The man replies, "Only twice" St.Peter says, "Wrong 3 times, but not too bad." He gives the man a Cutlass Supreme. Finally he asked the third man, "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" The man replies, "Only once and I told her right away and she forgave me." St. Peter says, "Your correct, very good." He gives the man a brand new Cadillac! They all get in there cars an go to a bar on the board walk. Looking out the window the man with the Cadillac begins to cry. The man with the rusted out VW says, "Why are you crying? Look a the junky car I got." The next man says "Really why are you crying? I got a Cutlass and you got a new Cadillac." The man with the Cadillac in tears says, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"
An Arab sheik says to an American tourist. “Mr. Smith, your wife, she is beautiful. I have to have her. I will trade you her weight in gold.”
Mr. Smith says, “Give me a few days.”
The sheik asks, “To think it over?”
Mr. Smith says, “ no, To fatten her up!”
Mr. Smith says, “Give me a few days.”
The sheik asks, “To think it over?”
Mr. Smith says, “ no, To fatten her up!”
NOT REALLY FUNNY. JUST TRUE.
California....(the libbie way)
The Governor Brown of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged..
The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training on the nature of coyotes.
PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.
Texas....(Everyone else)
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
California....(the libbie way)
The Governor Brown of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged..
The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training on the nature of coyotes.
PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.
Texas....(Everyone else)
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
dustin ray
Veteran member
Timberstalker
Veteran member
An outspoken atheist explorer was in the depths of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!"
A ray of light shines down from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay…NOW you're screwed."…
A ray of light shines down from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay…NOW you're screwed."…