jocularity

[kidoggy]

Good thing you didn’t go out and get another dishwasher!

I would have but getting to old for that sort of nonsense.









My wife is so fat.................
- she has her own zip code.

- she has to wear a three-piece bathing suit.

- she was baptized at Sea World.

- she had her ears pierced by a harpoon.

- when she goes to the zoo, the elephants throw HER peanuts.

- she can't play hide and seek...........................just seek.

- she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it said H.............................D.

- she has to get out of the car to change gears.

- she doesn't have a doctor, she has a groundskeeper.

- she showers at the local car wash.

- when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

 

[dustin ray]

I would have but getting to old for that sort of nonsense.









My wife is so fat.................
- she has her own zip code.

- she has to wear a three-piece bathing suit.

- she was baptized at Sea World.

- she had her ears pierced by a harpoon.

- when she goes to the zoo, the elephants throw HER peanuts.

- she can't play hide and seek...........................just seek.

- she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it said H.............................D.

- she has to get out of the car to change gears.

- she doesn't have a doctor, she has a groundskeeper.

- she showers at the local car wash.

- when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

how about the time you went to the beach and the life guard asked if you needed help rolling back in the water

 

[kidoggy]

don't care what your political affiliation is ,that thar is funny.


#ME TOO

 

[JimP]

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,


And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks,

but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,


" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

but you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

 

[JimP]

 

[JimP]

1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

4. A teenage boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD?" Granny replies: " The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"

5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humour!" (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)

6. A chap's wife's is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.)

7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

8. I woke up this morning at 9:00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.

9. My missus packed my bags and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!"

10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.)

 

[HogsFly]

"Oh, so now you want me to stay!"

My wife asked what was so funny when i laughed out loud at that one...

 

[kidoggy]

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper ?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well…, sucks, that explains why no one was at church either….!"

 

[kidoggy]

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

 

[JimP]

 

[JimP]

 

[kidoggy]

nuts, it's robuckula!

 

[kidoggy]

Dirty Dave the flasher was thinking of retiring,

but he decided to stick it out for another year.

 

[dirtclod Az.]

Or is it the infamous" MuleSquirrel"?

 

[kidoggy]

I found a hat with $17.50 in it

I thought this other guy was going to pick it up.

But he was too busy playing his guitar.

 

[kidoggy]

If dentists make their money from looking after our unhealthy teeth, why would I trust a toothpaste four out of five of them recommend?

 

[kidoggy]

You know what I hate?

People who answer their own questions

 

[kidoggy]

Children in the back seat

cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children.

 

[JimP]

SeniorWedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Chicago, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The
works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, medicine for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "Great, we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 

[kidoggy]

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.