jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
tim
Veteran member
so the director of the FBI just got done doing his investitagtions and what he found was this.
There is no evidence anywhere that:
anyone would want to have sex with Hillary Clinton.
There is no evidence anywhere that:
anyone would want to have sex with Hillary Clinton.
The beautiful secretary of the president of a
bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, … don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.”
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, “No problem! I have. I have.”
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.”
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build. I build.”
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”
bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, … don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.”
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, “No problem! I have. I have.”
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.”
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build. I build.”
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”
My Chemistry teacher threw sodium chloride at me.... That's a salt!
I'm running out of chemistry jokes. All the good ones argon.
Why did the chemist's pants keep falling down? He had no acetol.
A proton and a neutron are walking down the street. The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it." The neutron says, "Are you sure?" The proton replies, "I'm positive."
This joke is sodium funny... I slapped my neon that one.
.To a chemist only six states matter.
a neutron walked into a bar and asked how much for a drink. The bartender replied, "for you, no charge."
The noble gases walk into a bar. No one reacts.
I'm running out of chemistry jokes. All the good ones argon.
Why did the chemist's pants keep falling down? He had no acetol.
A proton and a neutron are walking down the street. The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it." The neutron says, "Are you sure?" The proton replies, "I'm positive."
This joke is sodium funny... I slapped my neon that one.
.To a chemist only six states matter.
a neutron walked into a bar and asked how much for a drink. The bartender replied, "for you, no charge."
The noble gases walk into a bar. No one reacts.
never watched that show but it must be different then what I expected it to be
JimP
Administrator
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around the room with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
Hilltop
Veteran member
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise. The wife needed convincing.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
People say that if America doesn't start getting it's act together, in 50 years we'll all be speaking Chinese.
Right - Like we're smart enough to learn Chinese!
As a bartender, I hate it when people drinking want to talk politics...
"So what do you think about the middle east?"
Well, I think you're drinking at 1:00 in the afternoon and I'm making minimum wage.
Maybe we're not the guys who are going to solve this thing!
Right - Like we're smart enough to learn Chinese!
As a bartender, I hate it when people drinking want to talk politics...
"So what do you think about the middle east?"
Well, I think you're drinking at 1:00 in the afternoon and I'm making minimum wage.
Maybe we're not the guys who are going to solve this thing!
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".
And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill.
The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money.
The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".
And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill.
The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money.
The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
Hilltop
Veteran member
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs..”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. Don’t know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs..”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. Don’t know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
lol. this is a typical conversation between my parents!
An elderly couple are sitting on a park bench in front of a large pond. Across the pond are vendors selling all types of food stuff. The wife turns to the hubby and says, "I could really go for an ice cream cone."
The hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one."
She says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down."
He replies, "No I won't... what do you want?"
She says, "Get me a strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles."
He replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember.
Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.
The wife asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost?"
The hubby replies, "No, and I got what you wanted."
The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries.
She says, "I knew you should have written the order down."
The hubby says, "What do you mean – everything is there."
To which the wife replies, "No, it's not... look, you forgot the pickles!"
An elderly couple are sitting on a park bench in front of a large pond. Across the pond are vendors selling all types of food stuff. The wife turns to the hubby and says, "I could really go for an ice cream cone."
The hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one."
She says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down."
He replies, "No I won't... what do you want?"
She says, "Get me a strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles."
He replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember.
Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.
The wife asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost?"
The hubby replies, "No, and I got what you wanted."
The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries.
She says, "I knew you should have written the order down."
The hubby says, "What do you mean – everything is there."
To which the wife replies, "No, it's not... look, you forgot the pickles!"