jocularity

[kidoggy]

Two hunters are out in the woods

One of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

 

[kidoggy]

What do you call......a dog with no legs?

it doesn't matter because he won't come anyway.

 

[kidoggy]

My 9-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "Telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans....



I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in japan !"

 

[kidoggy]

Religious Cowboy

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a wolf walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the wolf's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the wolf. "Your name is written inside the cover."

 

[kidoggy]

A Trump voter, Hillary voter and a Bernie voter all lived in the same house. Last Tuesday morning the house burned to the ground. Why was the Trump voter the only one to survive? Well, Tuesday is a work day.

 

[kidoggy]

Democrats are smart, but only when

a Republican is President.
My reasoning--
A democrat is President, a radical muslim shoots up an Army base while yelling "allahu akbar", and democrats say "We may never know the motives for this."
A radical muslim shoots up a nightclub while telling the 911 operator. who he called during the shooting, that he was doing it for islam, and democrats say, "We may never know the motives for this."
A republican is President, a white nationalist drives a car into a crowd of radical democrats and within minutes democrats say, "We know the motive for this."
You democrats should always vote republican, it's the only time your brains seem to work.

 

[kidoggy]

Father and son cannibals spot a beautiful girl showering naked under a waterfall. The son asks: "Shall we take her home and eat her?" "No," says the father. "We'll take her home and eat your mother."

 

[kidoggy]

What is hardest week of the year 4 Democrats? the hardest week of the year for Democrats is the week between Christmas and new years when there are no more nativity scenes to protest, and 1st graders aren't back in school learning proper condom usage



eez funny cause eets true

 

[kidoggy]

Nature called all day yesterday.

I am wiped.

 

[kidoggy]

Ode to John and Lorena Bobbit

(Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend

Curve, that is
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there!"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is
By a fence.
Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that dong."
A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed

Whizzed, that is
Even seam,
Straight stream

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape

Video, that is
Unexposed.
Case closed.
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear....

 

[kidoggy]

Many people are shocked when they find out..

That I’m a horrible electrician.

 

[kidoggy]

A U.S. Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville , NC .

He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning, cop hating, Obama loving protester."
The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins,
not to discuss your community service

 

[kidoggy]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother...

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[kidoggy]

california news

Sources in California say that radical Muslims are planning to kill every U.S. citizen in Los Angeles. Police officials fear the death toll could be as high as 9

 

[kidoggy]

no respect!

I called the incontinence hotline and they asked me to hold.



Wife: "I never know what to do with my hands

when I'm talking."
Me: "Try covering your mouth.





Why a man would ever want to marry is a mystery.

Why a man would ever want to marry two women is a bigamistery.




Boy to father: "Dad, how did you get married to mom?"
Father to wife: "See, even our son can't believe it !"

 

[kidoggy]

My friend had a heart attack while hiking in

Mt. Rainier National Park. He isn't out of the woods yet.



I had to take a woodchopper to the hospital.

He had a pain in the lumbar region.




This guy threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me.

Fortunately, my injuries were only super-fish-oil.

 

[kidoggy]

What Not to Name Your Dog Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog “Sex”. When I went to city hall to buy a license I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said “I’d like one too.” But then I said “This is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said “You don’t understand I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He said “You must have been quite a kid.” When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said “You don’t understand Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said “Me too.” One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said “Your honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said “Me too.” Then I told him that after I was married Sex left. He said “Me too.” Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I said I’m looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

 

[kidoggy]

In the week before Labor Day, Eli, a dirt-poor country farmer won the Lottery - half a million dollars. So to celebrate, he treated his wife and their four kids to a trip to see the Labor Day parade in New York.

He booked them rooms in the Sheraton International at the corner of Park Circle and Central Park North. They'd never been to anywhere like New York before, in fact they'd never traveled further afield than their local town, so when they got there they were completely bowled over by all the glitz, glamor and excitement of the "Big Apple".

Eli and his son Clem were particularly mesmerized by a shiny box with silver walls in the hotel reception. They'd never before come across doors that could move apart, and then automatically close again, as neither had seen an elevator before. So they were totally amazed when a little old lady entered the shiny box and the doors closed on her. The lights on the wall by the doors flashed for a minute or so, then the doors opened and out stepped a beautiful young woman.

Eli turned to Clem and said, "Son, go get your mother."

 

[Umpqua Hunter]

Impractical Jokers Senior Citizen Playground

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-N6sw-lZLTA

 

[kidoggy]

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?