jocularity

kidoggy

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Not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist..

but isn't it a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
 

kidoggy

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A boy and his date were parked on a back road quite some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads quite some distance from town. Things were getting really hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

The girl said "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did the deed.

After smoking a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

The boy said "Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
 

JimP

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Here are five reasons why a woman should think before she speaks. The last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back..Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands it was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said No!... I kept thinking Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so ha
 

JimP

Veteran member
Mar 28, 2016
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Gypsum, Co
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said that you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you are a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
 

nv-hunter

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Feb 28, 2011
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Reno
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.


One woman lost it completely.


She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'


For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the cowboy from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.


He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.


She gasped...


Then, he spoke...


'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
 

kidoggy

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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?! What the hell did you sell him?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK?"



The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said,
'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
 

nv-hunter

Veteran member
Feb 28, 2011
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540
Reno
An old farmer is sitting on the front porch when a hippie pulls into to yard and gets out of his vw van. The hippie walks up to the porch and says

I see you have some milk weed in that field by the barn can i go get a couple gallons?

Shaking his head in disbelief the farmer replies

Thats not how you get milk but knock yourself out.

The hippie walks off returning in about a half hour with 2 gallons of milk. That farmer sits dumbfounded and waves good bye.

The next day the hippie shows up again and approaches the farmer asming

I saw some chickweed over by that wood lot and i go get a dozen or 2 eggs?

The farmer shakes his head saying

Thats not how you get eggs but go ahead and try.

The hippie walks off only to return in 30 mins with 2 dozen eggs. The farmer is stunned.

The following evening the hippie pulls up in his old van and once again walks up to the old farmer and says

I see there are some pussywillows down by the creek

At this point the farmer cuts him off saying

ILL GRAB A 6 PACK IM COMING WITH YOU!!!
 

kidoggy

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Men's Help Line





Hello, You have reached the 'Men's Help Line"


My name is Don. How can I help you?





"Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem.


I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been


cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; the phone


rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she


goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake


to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.


Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.


When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.


It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat,
that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
 

kidoggy

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I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with".

"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"
 

kidoggy

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Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that read, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."
 

kidoggy

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Two boys noticed something odd in an apartment, one story above them.

Men would walk up the stairs, knock, and when a woman answered the door and said "what do you want?" the men handed over 20 dollars and went into the room. And later,when the men came out, they were smiling.

The two boys were quite curious about this, but they managed to scrape together only$10, went up the stairs, and knocked.

The woman answered, and said "what do you want?" and when the boys handed her the ten dollars, she smacked them both in the head with one swing, and knocked them both down the stairs.

At the bottom of the stairs, they shook themselves off, rubbed the bruises, and one of them said, "boy, I'm glad we only had ten dollars - I couldn't take twenty dollars of that !"
 

kidoggy

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Watched a cooking show and the host said…

you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings.

What the hell is leftover beer?
 

kidoggy

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A woman had a heart attack and died before being resuscitated she saw God and asked him "why does my life have to end today "?
God replied " oh don't worry you have another 30 years before your life is over" As she thought about the next 30 years she decided that she should have a tummy tuck, a nose job, collagen in her lips, a boob job, liposuction and a makeover. Once it was all over and she felt better she decided to go out and show off her new look. As she stepped out onto the street she was hit by a bus and killed instantly. When she got to see God she was mad and yelled at him. She reminded him he had said she had another 30 years to live. God replied "Giiiirrrlllll I dint even recognize you"
 

kidoggy

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
 

kidoggy

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the class assignment was to write a short story using as few words as possible

the story had to contain religion, sex, and mystery

the only A+ in the class...

OMG! I'm pregnant, wonder who did it.
 

kidoggy

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Early one stormy morning, Ben Franklin was outside with a kite in one hand, and the string in the other.

Deborah says: "Ben, what the heck are you doing out there in the rain?"

Ben says: "This dang kite won't stay in the air!"

Deborah says: "I think I know what's wrong, you need a little tail!"

Ben says: "That's what I suggested this morning and you told me to go fly a kite
 

kidoggy

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Tom and his boss were talking about being sick

In the morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.
 

kidoggy

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Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks in your first three months here. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?” “Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.” Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks. St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.” St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.” The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. St. Peter cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.” The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this?” The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”