jocularity

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, “NO.”

I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”

He said, “OK.”

This is how politics works.
 

Fink

Veteran member
Apr 7, 2011
1,842
41
West Side, MoMo
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, “NO.”

I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”

He said, “OK.”

This is how politics works.
Wait.. Thats not funny.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
A man was sitting on a plane waiting to take off and a gorgeous brunette comes down the aisle and takes the seat next to him.

Not believing his good fortune, he strikes up a conversation. Soon after they take off and the girl begins to sneeze... With each sneeze he politely says, bless you, but without a word she gets up and rushes to the restroom.

After five or six times, in ten minutes, his curiosity gets the better of him and says "Excuse me, I don't mean to pry, but every time you sneeze you leave for the ladies room... Are you alright"?

She apologizes and says... "Oh, I am so sorry, but I have a condition where every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm..."

The man is dumbfounded by what she just said, but tries to be sympathetic but still curious, he says... "Oh, I'm so sorry for you... Is there something you can take for that..."?

To which she quickly replies, with a demure smile, she says... "Yes there is... Pepper!"
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
On the first day of the deer hunting season, a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs. “Why couldn’t this happen on my last day of hunting?!” the hunter cried to the doctor. “It did,” the doctor replied.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
A deer hunter just messed up another hunt. This happened to him more times than he could count. He would spot a buck, aim , fire and miss. He would sneak up close just to get busted and watch the deer run away. He would sneeze just as the buck came into range. He would fall asleep on stand, waking in time to watch a giant buck scamper away. Frustrated, he complained to his hunting buddies. “Everything that happens to guys that don’t know how to hunt keeps happening to me!” he said.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."

He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
an old lady goes to the doctor

"Doc," "I've got a hard lump under each breast"

"there's nothing to worry about; those are your kneecaps"
 

Fink

Veteran member
Apr 7, 2011
1,842
41
West Side, MoMo
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his finger in my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sicko.
 

Fink

Veteran member
Apr 7, 2011
1,842
41
West Side, MoMo
A sensitive husband:

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook. "
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000
for a breast job? Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.

What do brunettes miss the most about a party? The invitation.

What's the difference between a brunette and the garbage? At least the garbage gets taken out once a week.

Why do redheads burn easily? It's nature's way of telling us they should be kept indoors.

How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead? She unties you.

Note to blondes: I'll be expecting lots of fan mail.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
Mary married Larry, and they had 6 kids.
Larry dies, and she later remarried Harry,
and they had 6 kids.
Harry dies, and Mary remarries for the third time my best friend Jeff, and they had 6 more kids.
Well after 18 kids, Mary dies! At the funeral I tried to console Jeff, and said "Well, at least they'll be together now".
Jeff says "Who? Mary and Larry, or Mary and Harry?
I said "No, I was talking about her legs".
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
what do you do for a liberal with a brain tumor?

nothing to be done, a liberal with a brain tumor is a myth. must have a brain to have a tumor in it.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
Q: Who's the dumbest person in America?

A: OJ's next girlfriend!

Q: What's the difference between Rodney King and O. J. Simpson
A: O.J. started out with millions.

Q: Why were some people in L.A. disappointed by the O. J. Parole hearing?
A: They already had new TV sets picked out!

Q: Why will O.J. be set free before Thanksgiving?
A: He is the only one in his family who can carve up white meat.

Q: What did OJ say after his parole was approved?
A: "Just let me grab my hat and gloves and I'll meet you at the door."

Q: What distinction does OJ hold in jail?
A: He's the first inmate with a retired number.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
Do you know the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie,

and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado,
rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...


Frank, the hand from Kansas says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands
and castrated that sucker with my teeth."


Snake River Ben, from Oklahoma, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from
under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands,
bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."


Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the
campfire coals with his peter
 

chiefgobbler

Active Member
Jun 26, 2011
169
0
Central California
A redneck from West Virginia was walking home late at night and saw a woman in the shadows.

''Twenty dollars' she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes.

They're engaged for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

What's going on here, people? asks the officer.

I'm making love to my wife, Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

Oh, I'm sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.

Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
Daddy - Daughter talk

"Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He is soooo into his cars and said "that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his lug nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking oil out of his exhaust pipe.”!!!
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks

into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.

"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,608
351
idaho
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hollers at the bartender "Hey Jackass...gimme a beer!"
The bartender obliges without comment.
After the patron downs his beer he hollers at the bartender again "Hey Jackass...gimme another beer".
Again, the bartender gets the guy another beer and says nothing.
The third time the drinker hollers the same command, one of the other patrons says to the bartender "Why do you let him call you Jackass?"
The bartender replies "He-aw He-aw He-always calls me that".