jocularity

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,590
335
idaho
A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

“Say, friend”, called out one of the men, “how far is it to the next town?”

“Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon,” called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

“How far to the next town?” the men asked him eagerly.

“Oh, a good two miles.”

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. “Hey, how far’s the next town?”

“Not far,” was the encouraging answer, “only about two miles.”

“Well,” sighed the optimistic sergeant, “thank God, we’re holding our own, anyhow!"
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,590
335
idaho
My ex-wife and I divorced over religious
differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

I found myself in a really strange place after my divorce.......the kitchen.

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.

Friend: What did your wife do before you divorced her?
Me: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Lawyer: "You want a divorce because your wife is careless about her appearance?"
Me: "Yes. She hasn't showed up in 18 months."

My divorce has taught me that that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a big financial loss.

Lawyer: "You say you're divorcing your wife for health reasons?"
Me: "Yes. I'm sick of her."

How is an ex-wife like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, but once it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,590
335
idaho
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
 

Alabama

Veteran member
Feb 18, 2013
1,237
15
Sweet Home Alabama
A big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him, and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel. And if he could locate the bullet hole. he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Spring Buck." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe it. He was right, and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole said, "and the rifle was a .308," which of course was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove is skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" His wife replied angrily, "From me, of course."

"But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'"
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,590
335
idaho
A Father's Last Request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,590
335
idaho
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long
life. He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age.So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96. When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren and a 50 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,590
335
idaho
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough $ex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough $ex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?
 

RICMIC

Veteran member
Feb 21, 2012
1,127
129
Two Harbors, Minnesota
When I came home from a hunting trip, my wife had left a note on the fridge. "It's not working!" she wrote. "I can't take it anymore. Gone to stay with my mother."
I opened the fridge. The light came on, and the beer was cold. I never did find out what she was talking about.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,590
335
idaho
Great idea!
-
Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.

A German Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.


He says prophets are going through the roof.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,590
335
idaho
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,590
335
idaho
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first…

But then I think,
Since I’m going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Diet Coke I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Diet Coke aside
So that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Diet Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the
Diet Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Diet Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to
watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
But I won’t remember that it’s on the
kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where
it belongs,
But first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed,
The bills aren’t paid,
There is a warm can of
Diet Coke sitting on the counter,
The flowers don’t have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
And I don’t remember what I did
with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why
nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I’ll try to get some help for it, but
first I’ll check my e-mail…

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don’t remember who I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet,
your day is coming!

…and tomorrow morning you discover that the hose is still running.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,590
335
idaho
A husband and wife are driving home and run over a badger, they get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up"
Wife replies "But its all wet and it stinks!"
Husband says "Well hold its nose!".
 

Fink

Veteran member
Apr 7, 2011
1,842
37
West Side, MoMo
i once knew a girl who had 12 nipples,

sounds strange, dozentit?
Reminds me of my favorite Little Johnny joke:

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I really wanted the word fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate" so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My girlfriends sweater has 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
 

Fink

Veteran member
Apr 7, 2011
1,842
37
West Side, MoMo
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing he’d ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10...Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week, and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,590
335
idaho
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,590
335
idaho
The auctioneer began explaining that this first bull mates 3 times a day!
My wife nudges me and says "Honey, find out what that bull eats, maybe we can put you on that diet!"
The auctioneer came to the second bull and exclaimed "This particular bull mates 7 times a day.
My wife, blushing a bit, said "Honey, find out what kind of excersize that bull does to have such stamina!"
Coming to the third bull, the auctioneer exclaimed "This particular bull mates 15 times a day!"
"WOW!" exclaimed my wife, you have GOT to find out what kind of supplements they give that bull!"
So i raised my hand and said "I'm not bidding but i do have a question. Do any of these bulls mate with the same cow EVERY time?
I ended up walking home.