jocularity

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,127
6,438
54
idaho
Doctor walks in the roomand tells the new mother that there is bad news.
" Your baby has no arms."
Mom says, "That's awful. But, it's still my baby and I love him."
Doctor says, "Well, actually he also has no legs."
Mom, "OMG. That's terrible. But he's my baby and I love him."
Doctor, "Well, it's worse than that. You baby has no body."
Mom says, "I don't understand."
So the doctor rolls her in the next room and lying in a crib is a great
big eyeball.
Mom says, "What could be worse that this?"
The doctor says, "He's blind."



least he won't be spending time in the ICU! ;)
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,127
6,438
54
idaho
New Math

The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,127
6,438
54
idaho
Many years ago there were two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, who inherited the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bull."
 

El Serio

Active Member
Feb 1, 2018
207
576
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "f"
 
Last edited:

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,127
6,438
54
idaho
An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning: "I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."

On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage: "well, just how sick are you?"

"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,127
6,438
54
idaho
Recent study says that for every white child that drowns, 5 1/2 black children drown.
What I want to know is how do you drown 1/2 a kid?
 
  • Like
Reactions: idcwby

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,127
6,438
54
idaho
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel
stuck to his forehead. The bartender says, "What's up with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Arrrrr...............................there's a Bounty on me head."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,127
6,438
54
idaho
I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
 
  • Like
Reactions: idcwby

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,127
6,438
54
idaho
If you have a full time job;

If you are not on welfare,

If you are literate,

If you attend church,

If you have auto insurance,

If you have a good credit rating,

if you have no criminal record,

If you wear a belt,

You MIGHT be a White Supremist.
 
  • Like
Reactions: idcwby

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,127
6,438
54
idaho
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax", I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.
"You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make that much money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.
This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today I took the final step...I joined the Democratic Party
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,127
6,438
54
idaho
Hi John,
This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
The Actions:
John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.
The Second Message:
Hi John,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to "Wife”. Technology eh?? Hope you got a chuckle from that.
Regards, Alan.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,127
6,438
54
idaho
A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found??

"Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation!

"Well, WHAT is it?" Fumed Pete.

"She never got your E-mail!"
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,127
6,438
54
idaho
bob , joe and frank are working on a car in the garage
joe says ," don't know why but 50% of the time , we end up with parts left over ."
frank says," quick bob, what's that in a fraction?"

bob says , screw you guys ! I"m outa here!"
 

idcwby

Veteran member
Jun 23, 2015
1,085
2,562
Idaho
A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 beers, and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, “dang why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “you’d be drinking fast to if you had what I had.”

The bartender asks, “what do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents. “