jocularity

kidoggy

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Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Saturday 6-5-21 of a severe yeast infection He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and... one in the oven.
 
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JimP

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Life Long Question:

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so

I sat down and had a cold drink.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another few sips, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.
 

El Serio

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Feb 1, 2018
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What did the owner of a faulty robotic lizard say when he called the tech support line?

I have a problem with e-reptile dysfunction
 
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kidoggy

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I was working late at the

Cellphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my wife:
"Honey,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative."
And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...what the hell does "ternative" mean?
 
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kidoggy

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My ex-wife was deaf and she left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
 

kidoggy

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My father was a conjoined twin. We called his brother my uncle on my father's side. Until the operation..................now he's my uncle once removed.
 
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kidoggy

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Something I can finally embrace! Pansexuality!

BACON!

Stir-fry!

Fish!

Veal!

I'm a getting turned on!


do NOT ask about the secret sauce recipe !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just something I pull out.
 
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kidoggy

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anyone else think it is hillarious when folks whine about a water shortage on a planet that is two thirds water?????????????????? :ROFLMAO:

just drink gatorade! its got lectrolites!
 
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kidoggy

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
 

kidoggy

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A first-grade teacher was

having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.

While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Little Johnny: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Little Johnny was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Little Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Little Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Little Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Little Johnny: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Little Johnny: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Little Johnny: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
 

kidoggy

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Hiden joe was all set to marry Jill

... so the night before the wedding his father sits him down for a chat.

"Son, on my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on."

So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them.'"

"Damn right!" I said, "I wear the pants in this family and always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

hiden joe thought about that and on the night of their honeymoon he takes off his pants, hands them to Jill and says: "Here try these on."

She did and says: "These are too large, they don't fit me."

hiden joe: "Damn right! I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and don't you to ever forget that."

Then Jill removed her pants, handed them to hiden joe and said: "Here, you try on mine."

He tries and tries but can't pull them up. Finally he says: "I can't get into your pants".

jill: "Damn right! And if you don't remember who's giving the orders around here, you never will."
 
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