jocularity

kidoggy

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The 5 secrets to a man's happiness...........

#1 Find a women that can make you laugh.
#2 Find a women that can cook.
#3 Find a women that really listens to you.
#4 Find a women that is fantastic in bed.
#5 And this is the most important:
Make sure these 4 women do not find about each other!
 
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idcwby

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Bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice. "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man. "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
 

idcwby

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Cemetry

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
 
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kidoggy

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After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and spotted the young woman standing waist-deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly towards her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde struggled with the gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration........



"CRAP!! THIS ONE IS BAREFOOT TOO!!!"
 

kidoggy

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A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate at all . The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure. Maybe she choked'.
 

kidoggy

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Drunken Murphy Hails a Cab......the cabby stops

and Murphy leans in the open passenger side window as the cabby asks where he wants to go...

" I wanna go home.....hey do you got room for a large Pizza with everything and two six-packs?"

" yeah buddy, no problem"

Murphy threw up all over the passenger seat....
 

idcwby

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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned ?her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
 

kidoggy

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Dave was the vice-president of ACME Inc. One day the president, Mr. Smith called him into his office. He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up. Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."

"Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.

"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."
 

kidoggy

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Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your tennis elbow won't get better!
"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"
 
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kidoggy

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There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question.

"What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the office?"

The first one says "I would post a sign saying that some money had been found, and try to find person who lost it."

The second one says "I would lock up the money up in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it."

The third one says "I would turn it over to the building security."

Which woman got the job?

The one with the big tits.
 

kidoggy

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Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”
Mirror: “You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all get seven years of bad luck!”
Condom: “Hahaha… (Condom walks off laughing)