I bought a ticket for the Space Museum
I was expecting to see rockets and such but all I saw was an empty warehouse
I was expecting to see rockets and such but all I saw was an empty warehouse
jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
Two out of work cowboys
decided to go to Indian Territory and make a couple of bucks collecting scalps.
One morning they woke.
There were a thousand Indians to the East
There were two thousand to the West
Even more to the North and South
one cowboy looked at the other and exclaimed, " we're rich!"
decided to go to Indian Territory and make a couple of bucks collecting scalps.
One morning they woke.
There were a thousand Indians to the East
There were two thousand to the West
Even more to the North and South
one cowboy looked at the other and exclaimed, " we're rich!"
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Yakov Smirnoff quotes.
In Russia we only had two channels.
Channel one was propaganda.
Channel two consisted of a KGB agent
telling you: Turn to channel one.
In America, you assassinate the president.
In Soviet Russia, President assassinate you!
In Russia if a male athlete loses,
he becomes a female athlete!
In America you can always find a party
In Soviet Russia. the Party can find you!
In America, you break the law!
In Soviet Russia the law breaks you!
Many people are surprised we have
comedians in Russia, but they are there.
They are dead but they are there.
Homosexuality is a crime
and the punishment is
seven years in prison.
There is a three year waiting list.
In Russia we only had two channels.
Channel one was propaganda.
Channel two consisted of a KGB agent
telling you: Turn to channel one.
In America, you assassinate the president.
In Soviet Russia, President assassinate you!
In Russia if a male athlete loses,
he becomes a female athlete!
In America you can always find a party
In Soviet Russia. the Party can find you!
In America, you break the law!
In Soviet Russia the law breaks you!
Many people are surprised we have
comedians in Russia, but they are there.
They are dead but they are there.
Homosexuality is a crime
and the punishment is
seven years in prison.
There is a three year waiting list.
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are...
... in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!"
The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!"
The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? They're clearly Russian!"
... in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!"
The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!"
The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? They're clearly Russian!"
Plato and Socrates were hanging out at the
public bath when their friend stopped by with two drop-dead gorgeous women. Plato whispered to Socrates "It looks like Isosceles is experimenting with triangles again"
public bath when their friend stopped by with two drop-dead gorgeous women. Plato whispered to Socrates "It looks like Isosceles is experimenting with triangles again"
A woman marries a man and has 10 children.
The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”
The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs.”
The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”
The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs.”
A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.
He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?
I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"
He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".
He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?
I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"
He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".
An old hillbilly farmer...
...had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
...had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel
appears in the boat with them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, "I've suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?"
The angel touches the man's back, and he feels instant relief. The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man's glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.
The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. "Don't touch me!" he cries. "I'm on disability!"
appears in the boat with them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, "I've suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?"
The angel touches the man's back, and he feels instant relief. The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man's glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.
The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. "Don't touch me!" he cries. "I'm on disability!"
I opened a bottle of Wild Turkey & did my taxes.
I'm Getting Back 4 MILLION DOLLARS!
judging from the way it's changed my life; I'd best go git me another case!
I'm Getting Back 4 MILLION DOLLARS!
judging from the way it's changed my life; I'd best go git me another case!
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El Serio
Very Active Member
- Feb 1, 2018
- 502
- 1,329
People never give lawyers a fair shake.
It's just the 99% that give the other 1% a bad name.
It's just the 99% that give the other 1% a bad name.
I took out my wallet and... < FYI-ItsMe > 2022-03-23 04:00
...extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.
“No, I don't waste time fishing,” the homeless man said
“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man
“I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!”
“Well,” I said, “I'm not going to give you money
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded
“Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?”
I replied, “Don't worry about that
It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting
...extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.
“No, I don't waste time fishing,” the homeless man said
“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man
“I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!”
“Well,” I said, “I'm not going to give you money
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded
“Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?”
I replied, “Don't worry about that
It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting
How many Russian Generals does it take to
change a light-bulb?
Nobody knows because there's no longer enough to test.
change a light-bulb?
Nobody knows because there's no longer enough to test.
2023 Oscar ratings will be sky high
Mike Tyson hosting, Chris Rock writing the jokes.
Mike Tyson hosting, Chris Rock writing the jokes.