jocularity

kidoggy

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My acupuncturist recommended a cortisone shot for my knee.
I've been on pins and needles ever since
 

kidoggy

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I took my son out for his first drink

We tried a Bud and he didn't like it so I drank it. Then we tried Carlsberg and Guinness among others and he didn't like them either so I drank them too. By the time we got to whiskey I was almost too drunk to push his stroller home
 

kidoggy

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CHINA CLAIMS THAT CORONAVIRUS CAME FROM AN OLD STUPID BAT, BUT NANCY PELOSI DENIED HAVING BEEN INVOLVED.

"PAYDAY" CANDY BAR IS CHANGING ITS NAME BECAUSE IT'S OFFENSIVE TO THOSE WHO DON'T WORK.

IF THE CURRENT POWER GRID CAN'T HANDLE A NIGHT OF 20 DEGREES TEMPERATURES WITHOUT ROLLING BLACKOUTS, HOW ARE WE GOING TO PLUG 100 MILLIONS ELECTRIC CARS UP AT NIGHT?

ARE THERE ANY COUNTRIES THAT TAX THEIR CITIZENS AND SEND SOME OF IT TO AMERICANS?

IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, A WORLD WHERE EVERY TWEET AND MEME MUST BE FACT CHECKED BUT NOT A BALLOT.

HOW TO STOP DRUNK DRIVERS FROM KILLING SOBER DRIVERS? BAN SOBER DRIVERS FROM DRIVING. THAT'S EXACTLY HOW GUN CONTROL WORKS.

CAN WE STILL ORDER BLACK COFFEE? ARE BROWNIES BEING TAKEN OFF THE SHELF? IS WHITE CASTLE CHANGING IT'S NAME? I'M SURE CRACKER BARREL IS SCREWED. CAN WE STILL PLAY CHINESE CHECKERS? IS THAT SEASON STILL CALLED INDIAN SUMMER? NO MORE ITALIAN SAUSAGES? HOW FAR DO YOU WANT TO GO WITH THIS FOOLISHNESS?

HECK OF A JOB, DEMOCRATS! YOU'VE MANAGED TO BRING BACK THE 1918 PANDEMIC, THE 1929 DEPRESSION, THE 1968 RACE RIOTS AND THE 1973 GAS PRICES - ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
 

kidoggy

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A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.
 

kidoggy

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Well, last week was my birthday

and my wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday in the morning before I went to work.
My parents forgot too and so did my kids.
I got into work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. I was really sad because everyone had forgotten my birthday! But then as I walked into my office, my secretary smiled and said to me, “Happy birthday, boss!”
Because everyone else had forgotten, I felt so special so when my secretary asked me if I wanted to go for lunch with her I jumped at the chance.
After we’d eaten lunch, she invited me back to her apartment and again I jumped at the chance. When we got there, she asked, “Do you mind if I just go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable?”
“No problem, I’ll just wait here,” I said.

Five minutes later my secretary came back out of the bedroom with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”…

I just sat there on the couch with nothing on but my socks.
 

kidoggy

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A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised my gun and I fired. I didn't have time to identify the species. I am genuinely sorry. When I get home, I promise to make a significant donation to the Environmental Defense Fund, and I promise to never do it again."

The ranger thinks about it and says, "Well, under the circumstances I guess we could let you off with a warning. But, I'm curious: what did it taste like?"

The guy answers, "Oh, a bit like bald eagle."
 

kidoggy

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An old man had died. His funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that is your father in there."
 

kidoggy

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just judging from the medias fawning over ukraine , I believe the only rational conclusion to come to is ............
shoot straight putin!


the enemy wins this one regardless of who the victor is.

our corrupt politicians are in bed with one or the other and in many cases both. guess that makes em whores.
 

kidoggy

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Names usually come from an occupation of a distant ancestor. Smith comes from blacksmithing. Lyman comes from farming Lye. Miller comes from a guy who works at a mill.

So what is up with Dickinson?!
 

kidoggy

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God grant me the Senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference
 
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