jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.
However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’
‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.
At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’
‘The gold.’
‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’
‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’
However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’
‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.
At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’
‘The gold.’
‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’
‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’
A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks.
From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love."
The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love.
After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!" "What's Bell 4?" the husband asks. "More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love."
The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love.
After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!" "What's Bell 4?" the husband asks. "More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
*******
A guy is on his first date with a blonde woman. He asks her a favor, "Stick your head out the window and see if my rear blinker is working on your side."
She rolls down the window, hangs her head out, looks back, and says, "no...YES...no...YES...no...YES."
*******
Three pregnant women, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, are in the waiting room of their OB/GYN.
The redhead says, "I was on top so I think I'm having a girl."
Brunette says, "Well, I was on bottom so I guess that means I'm having a boy" and giggles.
The blonde starts crying.
"What's wrong?" the other two ask.
She answers, "I'm gonna have puppies!"
A: Artificial intelligence.
*******
A guy is on his first date with a blonde woman. He asks her a favor, "Stick your head out the window and see if my rear blinker is working on your side."
She rolls down the window, hangs her head out, looks back, and says, "no...YES...no...YES...no...YES."
*******
Three pregnant women, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, are in the waiting room of their OB/GYN.
The redhead says, "I was on top so I think I'm having a girl."
Brunette says, "Well, I was on bottom so I guess that means I'm having a boy" and giggles.
The blonde starts crying.
"What's wrong?" the other two ask.
She answers, "I'm gonna have puppies!"
There's English, and then there's English
An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife
Operator: "Emergency services how may we help you mate"
Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"
Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."
Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!" *Hangs up
An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife
Operator: "Emergency services how may we help you mate"
Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"
Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."
Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!" *Hangs up
At the Barber Shop
The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
I’m old, tired, and need to pee fairly often.
The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
I’m old, tired, and need to pee fairly often.
Three blonds were fishing on a river and a game warden came up to them and told them that there is no fishing allowed in the river now. They told him that they were only fishing with magnets and so he ask them to bring in there lines and show them. So they bring in the lines and show him that they sure enough only had magnets on the lines so he let them continue and went on his way. After they were gone they started to snicker and laugh. One of them finally said he does not know that there steelhead in the river.
The world in 50 Years
“Children from Two-parent, Married, Heterosexual Families Bullied in San Francisco Schools for Being 'Different'”
“A White Girl in Manchester, England School Expelled for Not Wearing a Burqa.”
“Ten of New York’s Elite Universities This Year Have Won Awards for Introducing Classes on the Subject of ‘Political Correctness.’ President Abdul bin Mahammed- Goldman of ACLU Says There is Still a Long Way to Go in the Fight to Stop People from Saying What They Want to Say.”
“America’s Deficit Hit $50 Trillion But President Jose Manuel Rodriguez-Carter is Confident That America Will Finally Have a Surplus in less Than 200 Years, 300 Years Sooner Than Predicted Earlier.”
“France Pleads for Global Help Following the Country’s Being Taken Over by Libya.”
“U.S. Postal Services Raises Price of the Cheapest Postage Stamp to $28 and Reduces Mail Delivery from Once Every Two Weeks to Once Every Four Weeks.”
“After a Ten-year, $15.8 Billion Study Commissioned by the Democratic Party, Scientists Had a Surprise Finding that Diet and Exercise Are the Key to Weight Loss.”
“GREAT NEWS - Average Weight of an American Male Drops to 415 lbs.”
“The Supreme Court Rules that Punishment of Criminals Violates Their Civil Rights. From Now on, for Fairness, Victims Will Also Be Held Partially Responsible for All Crimes.”
New American Law Requires that not Only guns but Also Nail Clippers, Screwdrivers, Fly Swatters, Hair Dryers and Rolled-up Newspapers Must be Registered as Lethal Weapons.”
“Under Pressure from the Public Over the Last Three Decades, IRS Finally Reduced the Lowest Tax Rate From 96% to 75% per cent.” (Time to Celebrate!)”
“Children from Two-parent, Married, Heterosexual Families Bullied in San Francisco Schools for Being 'Different'”
“A White Girl in Manchester, England School Expelled for Not Wearing a Burqa.”
“Ten of New York’s Elite Universities This Year Have Won Awards for Introducing Classes on the Subject of ‘Political Correctness.’ President Abdul bin Mahammed- Goldman of ACLU Says There is Still a Long Way to Go in the Fight to Stop People from Saying What They Want to Say.”
“America’s Deficit Hit $50 Trillion But President Jose Manuel Rodriguez-Carter is Confident That America Will Finally Have a Surplus in less Than 200 Years, 300 Years Sooner Than Predicted Earlier.”
“France Pleads for Global Help Following the Country’s Being Taken Over by Libya.”
“U.S. Postal Services Raises Price of the Cheapest Postage Stamp to $28 and Reduces Mail Delivery from Once Every Two Weeks to Once Every Four Weeks.”
“After a Ten-year, $15.8 Billion Study Commissioned by the Democratic Party, Scientists Had a Surprise Finding that Diet and Exercise Are the Key to Weight Loss.”
“GREAT NEWS - Average Weight of an American Male Drops to 415 lbs.”
“The Supreme Court Rules that Punishment of Criminals Violates Their Civil Rights. From Now on, for Fairness, Victims Will Also Be Held Partially Responsible for All Crimes.”
New American Law Requires that not Only guns but Also Nail Clippers, Screwdrivers, Fly Swatters, Hair Dryers and Rolled-up Newspapers Must be Registered as Lethal Weapons.”
“Under Pressure from the Public Over the Last Three Decades, IRS Finally Reduced the Lowest Tax Rate From 96% to 75% per cent.” (Time to Celebrate!)”
Alabama beat Arkansas and
Arkansas fired their coach.
Alabama beat Tennessee and
Tennessee fired their coach.
Alabama beat Auburn and
Auburn fired their coach.
Inquiring minds want to know:
How do we get the White House
to play Alabama?
Arkansas fired their coach.
Alabama beat Tennessee and
Tennessee fired their coach.
Alabama beat Auburn and
Auburn fired their coach.
Inquiring minds want to know:
How do we get the White House
to play Alabama?