jocularity

kidoggy

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Do It Yourself COVID Test
1. Pour a glass of wine and smell it
2. If you can smell it, then taste it
3. If you can both smell it and taste it, you do not have the Covid virus



Just to test it out, I did the test 19 times last evening and, thank God, all the tests were negative. But I'll have to repeat them today, as I woke up with a headache and a bit disoriented this morning.
 

kidoggy

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The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
 

kidoggy

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This Corona virus is a blessing.
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened in my life.
 

kidoggy

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The double meaning of Christmas!
I bought a new 6 foot, artificial, LED Christmas tree yesterday.

The sales assistant asked " Are you putting this up yourself sir?"

"No, it's going in the living room as usual" I replied.
 
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kidoggy

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After a few tests he says "Doctor, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"

The doctor says "Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all."

The astrologist exclaims, "What?! You're actually right. I'm shocked that a doctor believes in astrology"

"Oh, not that." replies the doctor. "My thermometer broke"
 
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kidoggy

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A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said ‘I want to be a movie star.’ Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, ‘What’s your name?’

The guy said, ‘My name is Peter van Lesbian.’

The agent said, ‘Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name.’

‘I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!’


The agent said, ‘Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Peter van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.’

‘So be it! I guess we will not do business together’ the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed:

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Peter van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
 

kidoggy

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A local charity had never received a donation

from me, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
I replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” I said , “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
 

kidoggy

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more of a serious ? then a joke but I will put it here anyhow because it is so ludicrous.


9/11...

If terrorists could bring down the World Trade Center towers with box cutters, what can they do with the millions of dollars worth of weapons Biden just gave them???
 
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kidoggy

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A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.

The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, “Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?”

The judge says, “That is correct.”

“And does it mean that I can’t call a pig Ms. Harding?”

“No,” says the judge, “you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that.”

The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, “Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.”
 

kidoggy

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Poverty in America

Being “overwhelmed” by student loan debt after spending 7 years in college and not wanting to take a “poverty” level starter job at $50k.

After all, your degree in Swahili Beat Poetry entitles you to at least $100k out of the gate.
 

kidoggy

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A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park after school today."

"No, I would think there's a good chance you'll go to the park but it might rain so it's not definitely."

Little Billy raises his hand and says, "My team is definitely going to win the game this Saturday."

"No, I know you really want your team to win the game this Saturday but wanting is not enough to make it definitely."

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Miss, is there such a thing as a lumpy fart?"

"No."

"Then I definitely just shat myself."