jocularity

kidoggy

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I was in my local bar last night enjoying a nice cold beer, when this butt ugly fat woman came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said “how about giving me your number handsome”

I looked at her and asked “Do you have a pen” “sure!” She said.

So I said, “ Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing!”
 

kidoggy

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I called my wife at work and ask, "do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, she said, "no."

I responded, "how about now?"
 
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kidoggy

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A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were.
I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."
 
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kidoggy

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My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
 

kidoggy

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A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...
During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."
 
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kidoggy

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During a funeral...
The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
 
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kidoggy

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A woman puts an ad in the paper looking

for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her sex life.
Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.

She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"

He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."

Then she says, "And the sex life?"

He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
 
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kidoggy

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Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date...

having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
 

kidoggy

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying

in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he said.
 
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kidoggy

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How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs...they screw in dirty sleeping bags.
 

kidoggy

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not sure I'D want to go to space in a rocket dick. seems to me it's just askin to be spewed into space!!!
 

kidoggy

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My gramma lives just over the border in Canada and loves to knit.
You should have seen the look on the faces of Border Patrol when I told them I had 2 afghans in the trunk of my car
 
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kidoggy

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Things you shouldn't say in Victoria's Secret:


- "Does this come in children's sizes?"

- "No thanks, just sniffing."

- "I'll be in the dressing room going blind."

- "Will you model this for me?"

- "But dear, your sister already has that one in red."

- "Honey, you'll never fit your fat ass into that."

- "No need to wrap that up, I'll eat it here."
 
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kidoggy

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A blonde woman is speeding .....

...down an empty road when she’s pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver’s license.

“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.

“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re free to go…I didn’t realize you were a cop!”
 
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kidoggy

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A man goes to a bar
and sees a fat girl table dancing. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" she is
flattered and replies,"You really think so ?" The man says, "Oh definitely!"
most tables would have collapsed by now."
 
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