jocularity

[kidoggy]

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died. The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence.

A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer. “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma.” And of course, the next day, the grandmother died. The father realized that his daughter could predict the family deaths, and that this was no coincidence.

A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went “God bless mommy, and good bye daddy.” Her father went into shock. He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came. He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe. He stayed at his office until midnight came. When it did, nothing happened.

He breathed a sigh of relief. When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late. “I had the worst day of my life.” said the father. “If you think your day was hard, you won’t believe what happened to me, my boss died in the middle of a meeting!”

 

[idcwby]

Stimulus Explanation:





It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle, and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.


A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.


As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.


The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.


The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.


The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.


The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.


The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.


At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.


No one produced anything. No one earned anything.......


However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.


*And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works**

I had been trying to find this. I think the first time I read it was the last time there was a stimulus package. It’s a good explanation.

idcwby

 

[kidoggy]

Where would you find A prostitute with no arms or legs??


Right where you left her!

 

[El Serio]

Remember the old Southwest Airlines slogan "You are now free to move about the country".

Updated for coronavirus it is now: "You are NOT free to move about the country"

 

[kidoggy]

Two guys are out hunting deer

The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky." "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!"
"Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" This time pointing behind them. By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

 

[kidoggy]

they will now


In nine months will all the children who are born be called "Children of the Quarn"?

Then in 13 years will they all be known as "Quarnteens"?will now

 

[kidoggy]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

[kidoggy]

 

[kidoggy]

 

[kidoggy]

Why couldn’t the tissue paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

 

[kidoggy]

Evidently, women just want security from men, 'cause that's the first thing they say when I approach them.


A hotel patron asked the receptionist:

"Can all the porn in my room be disabled?"

The clerk barked: "You are sick, you'll watch the normal porn just like everyone else!"

 

[kidoggy]

Doctors in Australia are studying

whether corona can be spread through "aerosol generating procedures", more commonly known as farts.
If proven true, it gives new meaning to "silent but deadly"

 

[kidoggy]

The staff at a local United Way office realized

that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

[Bonecollector]

The staff at a local United Way office realized

that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Spoken like a true lawyer..... or Democrap! LOL

 

[kidoggy]

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve's widow.`"

She said, "`No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

 

[kidoggy]

Has anyone reached the point yet where you go through a fast food drive-thru window and order the cheapest thing on the menu just to get some napkins?

 

[kidoggy]

Want to hear a Covid joke?

You probably won't get it.

 

[kidoggy]

Who said men don't remember anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee,

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

 

[kidoggy]

I had a breakthrough and got in touch with my inner self.
That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper.

 

[kidoggy]

AOC and Omar are riding in a car in a car.

Omar is driving while AOC is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the Omar realizes that the brakes don't work. The Omar tells the AOC that the brakes don't work and are going to crash.
AOC then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."