jocularity
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dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
Too bad your honey holes were all"wiped out"...butt, at least you logged in a trophy!
JimP
Administrator
JimP
Administrator
Little Johnnie and Jenny are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnnie goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnnie bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnnie, you are only 12. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnnie instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Johnnie has put so much thought into this."Well Johnnie, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Little Johnnie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnnie, you are only 12. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnnie instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Johnnie has put so much thought into this."Well Johnnie, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Little Johnnie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Two very senior ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the heck is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the heck is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.
dustin ray
Veteran member
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes he did.
She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $200."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $200 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.
Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $200?"
She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' But she says, "Yes, he did give me $200."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay it back.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes he did.
She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $200."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $200 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.
Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $200?"
She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' But she says, "Yes, he did give me $200."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay it back.
I was at a grocery store at 7:45 am today that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
Are you a Republican, a Democrat, or a Southerner? This little test will help you decide:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you…
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 chambered in .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat’s Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! What is a Kimber 1911 and what does .45 ACP mean?
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. This is all so confusing!
Republican’s Answer:
BANG!
Southerner’s Answer:
BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click…..
(Sounds of reloading)
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
Click.
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Speer Gold Dots or Federal Premium hollow points?!”
Son: “Can I shoot the next one?!”
Wife: “You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!”
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you…
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 chambered in .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat’s Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! What is a Kimber 1911 and what does .45 ACP mean?
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. This is all so confusing!
Republican’s Answer:
BANG!
Southerner’s Answer:
BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click…..
(Sounds of reloading)
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
Click.
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Speer Gold Dots or Federal Premium hollow points?!”
Son: “Can I shoot the next one?!”
Wife: “You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!”
dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
MAKES one wonder what the next aids epidemic will be ????????He got the cornholer virus!
A pretty young college student
Visited her professor’s office after class one day. She glanced down the hall, closed the door and knelt before him as she said, “I’d do anything to pass this exam.”As she leaned even closer, she whispered seductively, “And I mean, anything…
“The professor looked down at her and asked her, “Anything?” She repeated, “Anything.”
The professor asked again in a quiet voice, “Anything?” The student smiled, and again said seductively, “Anything at all.” The professor’s voice turned to a whisper as he asked,
“Would… you… study??”
Visited her professor’s office after class one day. She glanced down the hall, closed the door and knelt before him as she said, “I’d do anything to pass this exam.”As she leaned even closer, she whispered seductively, “And I mean, anything…
“The professor looked down at her and asked her, “Anything?” She repeated, “Anything.”
The professor asked again in a quiet voice, “Anything?” The student smiled, and again said seductively, “Anything at all.” The professor’s voice turned to a whisper as he asked,
“Would… you… study??”