jocularity

[kidoggy]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.

 

[kidoggy]

thought I was coming down with the 19 so ,I took two shots of Clorox and sprayed Lysol in my eyes and up my nose .
feeling much better . I am pretty sure it was the 19 because now my eyes are pink and I've lost my sense of taste.

 

[dustin ray]

 

[kidoggy]

Fairy Tales

An Englishman begins fairytales with "Once upon a time...."

A Redneck begins fairytales with "Y'all ain't gonna b'leeve this!"

A ghetto rat begins fairytales with "Yo dawg, check dis shit out!"

A politician begins fairytales with "If elected I promise to ....."

 

[kidoggy]

I just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.

I asked, “What are you doing?”

He said, “Working from home.”

 

[El Serio]

I'd be willing to bet that when confronted with sexual assault allegations, Joe Biden could pass a polygraph test simply by saying "I have no recollection of that ever happening"

 

[kidoggy]

Here's a joke for all you mind readers out there

 

[kidoggy]

infected victoria secret models are angry about being called covid patients. they are demanding to be called easy, weezy, covid girls

 

[kidoggy]

Stormy Daniels responds 2 getting her COVIDcheck

Funny ...... he didn't want his name on my check before....

 

[kidoggy]

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

 

[kidoggy]

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"

 

[kidoggy]

I'll never forget the look

on the cashier's face when she scanned the package of bird seed and I asked her how long does it take for the birds to grow once I plant them.

 

[dustin ray]

 

[kidoggy]

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

"Honey, please... just one more time before I die?"

She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning ... You don't.

 

[kidoggy]

My wife has started to show signs of Alzheimer's

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me.

 

[kidoggy]

What did the leper say to the hooker?

You can keep the tip.

 

[kidoggy]

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

 

[maine canoe guide]

Maine humor...................................................I never knew what true happiness was till I got married...............................It was too late then.

 

[kidoggy]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

 

[kidoggy]

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

They all disagreed with her though.