jocularity

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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From : Tim Allen Here are some interesting points to think about prior to 2020, especially to my friends on the fence, like moderate Democrats, Libertarians and Independents and the never Trump Republicans and those thinking of "walking away" from the Democratic party.

Women are upset at Trump's naughty words - they also bought 80 million copies of 50 Shades of Gray.
Not one feminist has defended Sarah Sanders. It seems women's rights only matter if those women are liberal.
No Border Walls. No voter ID laws. Did you figure it out yet? But wait . . there's more.
Chelsea Clinton got out of college and got a job at NBC that paid $900, 000 per year. Her mom flies around the country speaking out about white privilege.
And just like that, they went from being against foreign interference in our elections to allowing non-citizens to vote in our elections.
President Trump's wall costs less than the Obamacare website. Let that sink in, America.
We are one election away from open borders, socialism, gun confiscation, and full-term abortion nationally. We are fighting evil.
They sent more troops and armament to arrest Roger Stone than they sent to defend Benghazi.
Russia donated $0.00 to the Trump campaign. Russia donated $145, 600, 000 to the Clinton Foundation. But Trump was the one investigated!
Nancy Pelosi invited illegal aliens to the State of the Union. President Trump Invited victims of illegal aliens to the State of the Union. Let that sink in.
A socialist is basically a communist who doesn't have the power to take everything from their citizens at gunpoint ... Yet!
How do you walk 3000 miles across Mexico without food or support and show up at our border 100 pounds overweight and with a cellphone?
Alexandria Ocasio Cortez wants to ban cars, ban planes, give out universal income and thinks socialism works. She calls Donald Trump crazy.
Bill Clinton paid $850, 000 to Paula Jones To get her to go away. I don’t remember the FBI raiding his lawyer's office.
I wake up every day and I am grateful that Hillary Clinton is not the president of the United States of America.
The same media that told me Hillary Clinton had a 95% chance of winning now tells me Trump's approval ratings are low.
"The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other peoples money." - Margaret Thatcher
Maxine Waters opposes voter ID laws; She thinks that they are racist. You need to have a photo ID to attend her town hall meetings.
President Trump said "They're not after me. They're after you. I'm just in their way."
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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A Texan's Guide To Life

Never squat with yer spurs on.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along...and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep...your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Finally, never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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idaho
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below the left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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idaho
Anticipation

I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf so she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.

And now we wait.
 
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kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,594
338
idaho
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. “Didn’t you see the arrow, buddy?” he asked.

“An arrow?” the confused driver said. “I didn’t even see the Indians!”
 
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