jocularity

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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348
idaho
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
 
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kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,606
348
idaho
A blonde's house is on fire when she pulls up to her residence in the
country. From her cell phone, she calls the fire department in a panic.
The dispatcher tells her to settle down; they need to know how to get
to her house. The blonde replies, "Duh, in your big red fire truck."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,606
348
idaho
A woman hears someone knock at the door.

She opens to see and a man asks, “Do you have a vagina??” She slams the door in disgust. The next day she hears a knock, opens up and its the same man. He asks the same question the woman slams the door again. Her husband gets home she tells him what happened for the last two days. The husband says to her, “Honey I’m taking tomorrow off to be home just in case he shows up again.”

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and the husband says, “I’m going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to see where he is going with this.” The man asks the same question, “Do you have a vagina?” “Yes!” replies the woman. The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s one alone and start using yours.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,606
348
idaho
THE PARENTS WHO DRUGGED US

Good old days.

The other day I was in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and someone asked me a rhetorical question:

'Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?'

I replied that I had a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in the garden and flower beds.
I was drug to the homes of neighbors to help mow the yard, repair the clothesline, and if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, my dad would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think.
They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's
children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better
place.
God bless the parents who drugged us.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,606
348
idaho
not sure why this popped into my mind when I looked at above post ,but............…. it did. 😁


don't look ethal!

to late , she already got a free shot!
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,606
348
idaho
Bob is training a puppy. When it pood on the floor, Bob would rub its nose in it and toss it out the ground floor window.
The puppy learned fast. He now craps, turns around rubs his own nose in it and jumps out the window
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,606
348
idaho
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”

"Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
 
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