jocularity

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,596
341
idaho
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.

But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,596
341
idaho
A husband takes the wife to a night club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!”
The husband says, “Looks to me like he’s still celebrating!!!”
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,596
341
idaho
When my wife falls asleep in a public place,

I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up
 
  • Haha
Reactions: Prerylyon

Bonecollector

Veteran member
Mar 9, 2014
3,995
381
Ohio
A husband takes the wife to a night club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!”
The husband says, “Looks to me like he’s still celebrating!!!”
Made me choke on my coffee. Thank you sir!
 
  • Like
Reactions: kidoggy

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,596
341
idaho
A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."

The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."

His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat."
 
  • Haha
Reactions: Prerylyon

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,596
341
idaho
I met a girl in a bar.

“Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.”

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.”

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said,

“So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,596
341
idaho
A man and his young wife were in divorce court,

but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to... me or the machine?"
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
3,596
341
idaho
Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (AOC) decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but AOC begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, AOC attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, AOC is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
 

hunter25

Active Member
Sep 8, 2016
428
62
Glenwood Springs, Colorado
Deer Management:

An 8 pointer, 4 pointer and a button buck are standing by a field browsing on acorns.

The 8 pointer says,
'I'm happy with my 10 does, we're really getting along.'

The 4 pointer says,
'I'm happy as heck with my 5, they really take care of me!'

The Button buck says,
'My two are all right, better than nothing I guess.'

Then all of a sudden a GIANT 14 pointer walks out into the field.

The three bucks had never seen anything like him before, they were in awe.

The big buck made a huge scrape and pissed in it, rubbed a tree the size of a telephone pole and snapped it off at the ground!

The three bucks looked on in amazement.

The 8 pointer says,
'I could probably get by with 4 does...........
Who really needs 10 anyway?'

The 4 pointer says,
'You know.............. come to think of it, I only really use one or two of mine!'

The button buck was silent, as the other two bucks look over to him in confusion.

Suddenly the Button buck runs out into the middle of the field!

He rips and tears up some grass........
pisses all over the place,
snorts & wheezes,
rubs his head raw on a tree,
and chews a lickin branch clean off!

Then he runs back over to his buddies.

His friends immediately ask him,
'What the hell are you doing!?'

I'm just makin' sure that big sumbitch knows I'm a buck!'