Husband and wife.....
BEFORE MARRIAGE: Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Rydell was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When Rydell left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw OMR's men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
OMR eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Rydell laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?""
OMR: Been in the business 60 years!"
Rydell tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Rydell admired himself in the mirror, OMR asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Rydell thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
OMR: "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Rydell was surprised. "How did you know?"
OMR: "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Rydell looked at himself in the mirror, OMR said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Rydell was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
OMR eyed Rydell's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Rydell was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
OMR: "Been in the business 60 years."
Rydell tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Rydell walked comfortably around the shop, OMR asked, "How about new underwear?"
Rydell thought for a second and said, "Why not."
OMR stepped back, eyed Rydell's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Rydell laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
OMR shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."