A drunk man was out in a canoe on a morning after a bender, and lost both his paddles. he spied a gentleman, and two ladies in a boat nearby and called 'can i have one of your oars? the reply was ' these ain't 'oars, one me wife and one's me sister'.
An 85-year-old-couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s neurotic interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite with a Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much of this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is Heaven.”
Next, they went out back to see the golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the greatest golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, “What are the greens fees?”
“This is Heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You play for free.”
Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet?” St. Peter asked. “This is Heaven. It’s free!”
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly.
“That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
The old man scowled at his wife and said, “You and your damn bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”
Jesus and moses were about to play a game of golf, and jesus, being a newcomer to heaven at the time, was going to have moses teach him about golf. so the first hole had a water hazard, and moses told jesus ' lay up to the water, then you can make the drive to the green'. well, jesus goes for the green, and ends up in the water hazard. moses, being a good sport, gives jesus a mulligan, parts the water, and gives jesus his ball and says, ' jesus, justlay up, then go for the green'. so jesus tees up, and goes for the green again, to which moses said, 'jesus jesus jesus, i told you how to play the hole. i been here longer than you, and i know this course. go get your own ball'. soooo, jesus is out, walking on the water hazard, reaching down, trying to find his ball. the next players came to the tee and said ' will you look at that guy out walking on the water, who does he think he is, jesus christ ?' moses replied ' no, arnold palmer.'
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"