German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, whose lucky number is 5, receives a phone call from a friend.
The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.
Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.
Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth
Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenn prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her door, and it’s Robert. Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
Jenny is set to go to sleep again, but, you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more ‘action’. Once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,
‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.’
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says, ‘You mean I was here already?’
This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.
The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly an Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
The moral of the story is: When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.
...grocery store earlier with my service dog, the lady in front of me in the checkout line had about $400 worth of toilet paper in her two carts. With an attitude she asked me, "What type of dog do you have?"
I told her he is my service dog.
Then she got real snarky and said, "I knew that. What type of service?"
I said, "He's a BLD," as she squatted down giving him some loving, and he was licking her face and hands as he's super friendly.
She said, "What is a BLD?"
I told her, "BLD stands for Butt Licking Dog."
She said, "Butt licking dog? I've never heard of that."
I said, "Yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders."
in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to fifty. Some did very well, counting as high as thirty or forty with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past twenty. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past fifty, right up to one hundred without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his dad how well he had done. His dad nodded and told him, "That's because you're from Alabama, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's third grade, so most could make it halfway through without much trouble. Some made it to s or t, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his dad about his prowess in his new school. His dad explained to him, "That's because you're from Alabama, son."
The next day, after physical education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him. That night he told his dad. "Dad, they all have little, tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his dad, "That's because you're 18."