jocularity

kidoggy

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Lady got a facelift. Dr explained the newest technique.
Dr: I’ve place a knob on the top of your head hidden in your hair. When you get older and the face begins to sag a bit, just twist that knob a tiny bit to the right. It’ll be like having a brand new facelift every few years.
Lady: that sounds great!
10 years later the lady shows up with a problem.
Lady: Dr I’ve loved my face lift but recently I’ve gotten big bags under my eyes and I’m not sure what you can do to help me?
Dr: Ma’am those are not bags! Those are your boobs! You’ve been twisting the knob way too much!
Lady: Oh geez!!! I guess that explains the goatee!
 
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kidoggy

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Two guys walk out of a bar. Across the street from them is a dog sitting on the curb licking his balls. One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that!" His friend replies, "I'd try and pet him first. He looks kinda mean."
 
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kidoggy

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A young man tells...

...a rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live forever. What can I do?

The rabbi replies, "Get married."

"You mean," replies the young man, "If I get married I will live forever?"

"No," said the rabbi, "But the desire will disappear."
 

kidoggy

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One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"They called back!"
 
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kidoggy

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Young lion: "Dad, what is a world series?"

Dad lion: "You wouldn't understand.................you're just a cub."
 

kidoggy

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I was asked to be the keynote speaker at a

seminar on sexual reproduction. I stood up, said "It gives me great pleasure"..............then sat back down.
 

kidoggy

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Me: "Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen."

Wife: "I'm coming with the broom."
Me: "It's not that urgent....................you can come on foot."
 
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kidoggy

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Go to an animal shelter for a dog and you're a saint.
Go to a Womens' shelter to find a girlfriend and suddenly everyone shuns you.
 
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kidoggy

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A family of five is going on vacation. They've rented an RV for the cross country trip.

They loaded the RV with household items, clothing, recreational gear, pets and food. Off they go!

The car crashes into a brick wall minutes after starting the journey. Everyone is killed except the pet monkey.

Police investigate but can't find a reason for the crash. They bring the monkey in for questioning.

Police: What were was the mother doing before the crash?

Monkey pantomimes applying lipstick using the rear view mirror.
Police: Ahhh she had the mirror turned. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What were the kids doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes kids fighting.

Police: Ahhh- The kids caused a distraction. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What was the Dad doing before the crash?

Monkey pantomimes drinking out of a bottle.

Police: Ahhh. The father was drinking. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What were you doing before the crash?

Monkey pantomimes holding a steering wheel and driving.
 
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kidoggy

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A Scotsman is at a bar

A woman at the bar looks on in interest at his kilt. Noticing this he yells at her "You can put your hand up there if ya like!"

She can't contain her curiosity, and upon sliding her hand up his kilt she shrieks "Oh it's gruesome!"

He chuckles,

"Put your hand up again lass, It's grew some more!!"
 
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ScottR

Eastmans' Staff / Moderator
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Feb 3, 2014
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A Scotsman is at a bar

A woman at the bar looks on in interest at his kilt. Noticing this he yells at her "You can put your hand up there if ya like!"

She can't contain her curiosity, and upon sliding her hand up his kilt she shrieks "Oh it's gruesome!"

He chuckles,

"Put your hand up again lass, It's grew some more!!"
Kidoggy, giving us all a laugh every day for the last few years...
 

kidoggy

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I was in line behind a Chinese woman at

the counter at a gas station. The woman was complaining about the price of gas "2 weeks ago I paid $4.00, last week it was $3.80 and now you charge me $4.30. Why you doing this to me? The clerk looked at her and calmly said "Fluctuations". The Chinese woman totally lost it and yelled back "Well, fluck you Americans too!!"
 
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kidoggy

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“Can I spend $20,000 on breast implants?"



Husband: “Why don’t you just rub toilet paper all over your chest?”

Wife: “I don’t get it.”

Husband: “Worked on your ass, didn’t it?”
 
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kidoggy

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A man walks into a bar...

...and downs three shots of whiskey.

The man loudly proclaims, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole."
 
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kidoggy

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A police officer...
...knocked on my door earlier this afternoon saying he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him to use both of them and he'd probably find him a lot quicker.
 
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kidoggy

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A 21-year-old woman chose to stay overnight in a

costly hotel in Las Vegas as a treat for her 21st birthday. The morning following her stay, she was appalled when the desk worker gave her a bill for $250. She asked why the room charge was so high.

“It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the worker.

The worker clarified that $250 is the standard rate. At that point, the lady insisted on talking with the manager. The manager arrived and explained, “Ma’am the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center, which are both available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them,” the woman said.

“Well, they are here and you could have,” he replied.

The manager proceeded to say that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from around the world performing here,” he said.

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.

The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.”

Regardless of the facility he recommended, the lady just answered, “But I didn’t use it!”

After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

The manager was shocked when she gave him the check. “But madam, this cheque is for only $50,” he said.

“That is right. I charged you $200 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” the manager shouted.

“Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have.”
 
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