jocularity

kidoggy

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This guy asked me what I thought of euthanasia.

I said that I have no problem with young people in Asia.
 

kidoggy

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A young boy goes to a horse auction with his Dad

As the boy's Dad looks over the horses, he stops every once in a while, and runs his hand over the horses legs, chest and flanks...

This gets the boy curious, so he asks his Dad...
"Why do you do that to the horses, Dad...?"

The father replies... "Well, son... you see, I run my hands all over the different parts of the horse to make sure it's is healthy, before we buy them..."

Thinking for a minute, the boy responds back to his Dad...
"Gee, Dad... is the UPS guy getting ready to buy Mom...?"
 

kidoggy

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A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some two by fours.

The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?"

The guy answers, "A long time, We're gonna build a house."
 
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kidoggy

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Teacher: Where is the English Channel?

Student: I don't know anymore. We switched cable companies last month
 

kidoggy

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I asked my wife why she married me.



She said “Because you are funny.”

I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”

She said “See? You’re hilarious!”
 

kidoggy

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BREAKING NEWS
Jeff Probst plane went down.
we're happy to report there were no Survivors at the crash site!
 

kidoggy

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I saw a homeless man,

he was slouching on a park bench.

I sat next to him and asked how he'd gotten into his present circumstance. He said to me "You know, a very short time ago I had it all. My own apartment, good food, the internet, TV. I used to go to the gym, the swimming pool, the library, I had everything." I inquired "What happened, bad luck, divorce, drugs, alcohol?"

He replied "Na, I just got released from jail."
 
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kidoggy

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer...

and two people show up. One is a Cowboy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous young woman in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The woman says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the Cowboy and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old Cowboy replies, "You bet. Just get that lion out of there."
 
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kidoggy

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Dentist: What's the problem?

Patient: I think I'm a moth.

Dentist: You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist.

Patient: Yes, I know.

Dentist: So why did you come in here?

Patient: The light was on.
 
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kidoggy

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One day while he was at the track playing the ponies Mitch noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of one horse lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse--a very long shot--won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest stepped onto the track again.

Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate, the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one horse.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued, the priest kept blessing long-shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the priest's blessing to tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his habit, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched, dumbfounded, as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, “Father! What happened? All day long, you blessed horses and they all won. Then, in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings--all of it!”

The priest nodded wisely and, with sympathy, said, “Son, that's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.”
 

kidoggy

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An extremely inebriated fellow walks

into a bar, climbs on top of a barstool and shouts, "All lawyers are idiots!"

A guy down at the end of the bar says, "I resent that remark."

The drunk yells back, "Why, are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an idiot."
 
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kidoggy

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A husband is on his way out to the store

when the wife says, "Please pick up a carton of milk and if they have eggs, get me a dozen."

The husband returns with 12 cartons of milk.

"Why on earth would you get me 12 cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."
 
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kidoggy

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I'd like to think I'm good in an argument. Like, for example, I was arguing with my husband the other day and he said, "If you look up stupid in the dictionary, it has a picture of your face."
I said, "I'm not the one who had to look up stupid in the dictionary. Also, my dictionary doesn't have pictures."
 

kidoggy

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Ralph forgot his wedding anniversary


and his wife was more than a bit agitated. "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in five seconds. And it better be there or else!" she yelled.

The next morning Ralph woke up early to do his thing. When his wife got up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a gift wrapped box, smack in the middle of the driveway.

The wife put on her robe and slippers, ran outside and opened up the gift - a bathroom scale.
 

kidoggy

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I wouldn't use the preferred pronouns of someone



with gender dysphoria for the
same reasons I wouldn't talk
to the imaginary friends of
a schizophrenic.
 
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