jocularity

[kidoggy]

My neighbor and his wife went out to dinner.

the waitress started flirting with him
. "She obviously has covid,"
"Why?" he asked.
His wife replied with a sneer," Because she has no taste !"

 

[kidoggy]

I have two brothers.

Well, three actually , but the third has a learning disability so he doesn't count.

 

[kidoggy]

A guy walks into a bar and says to another guy,
"I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?"
the other guy says, "What was her maiden name ?"

 

[kidoggy]

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?


She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.

 

[kidoggy]

What do you call a judge with an I.Q below 60?

Senator

 

[kidoggy]

Only socialists and homos want a mandate

 

[kidoggy]

Joe Biden thinks his name is Brandon now.

 

[kidoggy]

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who would you marry?"

"Nobody, like I said, you're not going to die."

"No, you said you would get married again! And I suppose she'd live in his house here with you!"

"Well, there wouldn't be any reason to get a new house – this is a nice house. But like I said…"

The wife is getting increasingly agitated, "And I suppose you'll let her cook with my pots and pans, in MY kitchen, and sleep in MY bed, with YOU!"

"Sweetheart, look… is there something you're not telling me? Are you sick or something?"

Now the wife is in a full-on rage, "No, I'm not sick, I'm fine. Except maybe I'm sick of having a husband who would marry somebody besides me!"

The husband hangs his head and takes a deep breath, "Well then I don't know what you're so upset about. This is all hypothetical, if you're just fine then…"

The wife yells at him, "And I suppose you'd let her use my golf clubs!"

That husband shrugs and says, "No, not that."

The wife shouts, "WELL WHY THE HELL NOT?!"

"She's left-handed."

 

[kidoggy]

While in the hospital I was given a transfusion.
I asked the nurse what it was and she said "Whole blood".
I couldn't help asking "What hole did it come from?".
I don't remember much else

 

[JimP]

 

[kidoggy]

great pickup lines

IT has always been my dream to be a gigalo. would you like to help me with my startup?



wanna go make yer brown eye blue?

 

[kidoggy]

James Bond walks into a bar Walks into a bar


He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued women says "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically".

The lady says "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you are not wearing any panties."

The women giggles and replies, "Well , it must be broken because I am wearing panties"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says,

"Bloody thing's an hour fast"

 

[kidoggy]

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?



They always take things literally.

 

[kidoggy]

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri,

“Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

 

[kidoggy]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat....


As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

 

[El Serio]

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

 

[kidoggy]

A drop dead gorgeous woman

walks up to a guy in a blue swimsuit and says,"Did you
know your eyes match your swim trunks ?" He says,
"Really ! Why ? Are my eyes bulging ?"

 

[kidoggy]

She said buy me a drink, we'll see where it goes

I said it goes in your mouth. What's wrong with you that you don't know that?

She didn't give me her number.

 

[dirtclod Az.]

What color paint do you get when you throw a colored
person off a building?

Flat black.

 

[kidoggy]

when at the grocery store I always pick the cashier most likely to have sex with me.
that's why I always use the self check out.