jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
what's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
attire!
attire!
If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.
That's humerus.
That's humerus.
my wife asked if she was the only one i'd been with.
I answered , " yes dear . the others were at least 7 or 8s ."
I answered , " yes dear . the others were at least 7 or 8s ."
A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!
El Serio
Active Member
- Feb 1, 2018
- 450
- 1,210
A reporter once asked Richard Nixon why he didn't prepare his own food. His reply?
"I am not a cook"!
"I am not a cook"!
JimP
Administrator
JimP
Administrator
Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Pete.
Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Pete.
Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand
One Sunday morning in church it was time for the children’s lesson. The minister called all the children up to the front of the church and had them sit on the steps to the platform.
Then he announced, “Children, this is Resurrection Sunday. Do any of you know anything about the Resurrection?”
The kids all sat there silently and nervously, until finally one little boy spoke up:
“On TV they say if it lasts more than 4 hours you should see a doctor.”
Then he announced, “Children, this is Resurrection Sunday. Do any of you know anything about the Resurrection?”
The kids all sat there silently and nervously, until finally one little boy spoke up:
“On TV they say if it lasts more than 4 hours you should see a doctor.”
A gas station owner was trying to increase sales
.. so he put up a sign that read: *** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along w/his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his FREE SEX.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed ‘2’ this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was ‘3’. You were close, but no FREE SEX this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away FREE SEX."
Bubba replied, "No. it ain't, Billy Ray. My wife won twice last week."
.. so he put up a sign that read: *** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along w/his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his FREE SEX.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed ‘2’ this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was ‘3’. You were close, but no FREE SEX this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away FREE SEX."
Bubba replied, "No. it ain't, Billy Ray. My wife won twice last week."
Joe Biden quote of the day:
If you're paddling upstream in a canoe, and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse?
NONE!
It's NONE because ice cream doesn't have bones!
If you're paddling upstream in a canoe, and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse?
NONE!
It's NONE because ice cream doesn't have bones!
El Serio
Active Member
- Feb 1, 2018
- 450
- 1,210
A family of moles was burrowing into a backyard garden. From the front the father mole said "I smell potatoes", the mother mole was next in line and said "Is that a whiff of carrots?" Last in line, the baby mole said "no fair, all I smell is molasses!"
Little known fact:
The chief structural engineer of the Titanic spoke with a lisp.
That's just unthinkable.
The chief structural engineer of the Titanic spoke with a lisp.
That's just unthinkable.
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks.
"I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender.
"Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."
"I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender.
"Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."