jocularity

[kidoggy]

The other day my wife told me some woman at work called her fat.

I told her “Honey, don’t fight with her about it. Just be the bigger person.”

I should be out of the hospital in a few days.

 

[kidoggy]

At the urinal, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinals.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.

He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas A & M and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

 

[kidoggy]

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

(For 95 points): Which tire?

 

[kidoggy]

My g/f told me she has an orgasm every time she sneezes.
I asked "What are you taking for it?"
She said "pepper"

 

[kidoggy]

I told my brother, "My wife ran of with my best friend Joe yesterday."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then asked, "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

 

[kidoggy]

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died appear before God.

God ask each one what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.” Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”

“Aha,” said God, “you may sit on my left.”

Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

“I believe,” replied the cat, “that you are sitting in my seat.”

 

[kidoggy]

I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he'll just have to mow around me. I'm not moving.

 

[kidoggy]

People were upset about Walmart's mandatory mask policy............................until they found out you could still wear your pajamas.

 

[kidoggy]

I got my 3rd covid jab today

The nurse asked , what are you doing back here? You've already had 2 covid shots.

I replied I'm trying to get ahead of Faucci on this one....

 

[kidoggy]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

"I can see your feet. We're out of bread. Be back in five minutes.

 

[kidoggy]

Mom, I'm getting married

Mom: To whom, dear.

Girl: Mike the mailman.

Mom: He could be your father.

Girl: Age doesn't matter, mom.

Mom: I don't think you understood.

 

[kidoggy]

Detroit Math Test

NAME______________________________

STREET NAME_________________________

1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus' $800 per day crack habit?

3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, he also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

**Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money??**

6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint?

7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one week's salary?

9) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

 

[kidoggy]

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.

"I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

 

[kidoggy]

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
-
“No”, she replies sleepily.
-
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
-
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”

 

[kidoggy]

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money.

 

[kidoggy]

A group of grade school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in fourth grade.'

'No, missus,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the fifth race.'

 

[kidoggy]

In America, police dogs are K-9.

In China, dogs are E-10.

 

[kidoggy]

Last Night

A naked man broke into the church.

The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

 

[kidoggy]

Went to a racist sensitivity seminar

I was told to write down everything that might offend somebody on the whiteboard.

 

[kidoggy]

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."