jocularity

kidoggy

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $800: $400 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,800."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.
 

kidoggy

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Going to Church in Chicago
When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.
As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?
He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today."
Again, I said that there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold they were right ---
My car was gone !
 

kidoggy

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Medical school exam taken by a redneck

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labor Pain - Hurt at Work .

8. Liposuction - A French Kiss .

9. Ultrasound - Radical Sound that is above human hearing capacity, such as wife's talk.

10. Cardiology - Advanced Study of Playing Cards .....

11. Dyspepsia : difficulty in drinking Pepsi.

12.Chicken Pox- A Non-Veg. continental dish.

13.CT Scan: Test for identifying person's
city

14.Radiology- the study of how Radio works

15.Parotitis : information about the parrots.

16. Urology: the study of European people
 
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kidoggy

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Two American tourists viewing the Colosseum:

Tourist 1: "Look how huge and majestic it is."

Tourist 2: "Just imagine how great it will be when they finish it !"
 
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idcwby

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On the Moon

I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door." "Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip a coin for it." "And he won?" I said. "Well, no..." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder!"
 
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kidoggy

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I became confused when I heard the word service" used with these agencies.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus.
 
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kidoggy

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A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her back to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole thing. The reporter says to the biker, "Sir, that's the most gallant and brave thing I ever saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt I had to."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living, and, just out of my own curiosity, what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and I'm a Republican."

The following morning, the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
 

idcwby

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A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her back to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole thing. The reporter says to the biker, "Sir, that's the most gallant and brave thing I ever saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt I had to."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living, and, just out of my own curiosity, what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and I'm a Republican."

The following morning, the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
So true!
 

kidoggy

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A minister and a rabbit go into a bar. The barman asks the rabbit what he wants.

The rabbit says "I don't know. I'm only here because of autocorrect".
 
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kidoggy

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it's funny how we all sleep differently

i sleep on my side, my roomer sleeps on her back
my ex sleeps with everyone
 
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kidoggy

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The old Elementary School Principal made it a practice to visit each class room one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
 
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kidoggy

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A Catholic priest announces at church one day, "I will be in Rome next week. If any of you have a wish, I will light a candle in Rome so that the wish will come true."

A woman announces, "My husband and I have been married for several years, but have never borne any children. Can you light a candle so that we can have children?"

"I will do that," says the priest.

Five years later, the woman says to the priest, "Since you went to Rome and lit that candle, I have given birth to a pair of twins and a set of triplets, and now I am pregnant again!" She then gives the priest a plane ticket to Rome.

"You are too kind," says the priest. "You don't need to thank me."

"I'm not thanking you," says the woman. "I just want you to blow out that candle."
 
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JimP

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The Biden’s are seated together at a nice restaurant and the waiter comes over to take their orders. He says to Mrs. Biden, “Good evening Dr. Biden. Have you decided on an entrée?”

“Yes,” she replies. “I’ll have the New York strip, medium rare.”

“Very good,” says the waiter. “And for the vegetable?”

She answers, “Oh! He’ll have the same!”
 

kidoggy

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First day she reads the roster and says "Johnny, if you had a rabbit and I gave you a rabbit, how many rabbits would you have?"

Johnny: 16

Teacher: I can see you don't know much about math.

Johnny: I can see you don't know much about rabbits.
 
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