jocularity

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,581
10,279
56
idaho
Three nuns were walking down the street each lost in introspective thought when a man wearing only a trench coat jumped out from behind a hedge and flashed the nuns.

Well the first nun had a stroke!

Then the second nun had a stroke as well.

The third nun was too far away and couldn't reach it.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,581
10,279
56
idaho
One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters, the local sheriff's deputy scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, just about closing time a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

After about 20 minutes most of the other deer hunters had left and then the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly.

He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00. Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on.

The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 

JimP

Administrator
Mar 28, 2016
7,070
8,347
70
Gypsum, Co
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the
door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children
running around at her feet.

“I’m doing a survey for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”

“We use it for sex,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and
say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I
admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can
you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put
it on the doorknob. It keeps the kids out.”
 

dirtclod Az.

Veteran member
Jan 26, 2018
1,637
444
Arizona
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the
door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children
running around at her feet.

“I’m doing a survey for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”

“We use it for sex,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and
say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I
admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can
you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put
it on the doorknob. It keeps the kids out.”
Another fly in the ointment!. lol! 💥
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,581
10,279
56
idaho
Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated DVDs, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these DVDs and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transsexual making love to a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I vow that DVDs such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, "Are there any questions?"

Five people shouted in unison, "Where did you rent the DVD?
 
  • Haha
Reactions: idcwby

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,581
10,279
56
idaho
A woman with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously, she asks a crew member 'Just how far away from land are we?'

Calmly, he reassures her 'You have nothing to worry about Ma'am, we're only 2 miles from land.'

Relieved, she inquires 'Oh, in which direction?'

'That would be straight down', he replies.
 
  • Like
Reactions: idcwby

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,581
10,279
56
idaho
A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”

The boys were more than happy and continued to bang the bins every day on their walk home.

After a week, the old man walked out and greeted the kids again. However this time, he didn’t have a smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income." he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50¢ a day to keep you kids banging the bins.” The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities.

A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my retirement checks yet so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25¢ to bang on the bins. Will that be okay?"

"That's it!?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25¢ a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Hilltop and idcwby

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,581
10,279
56
idaho
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,581
10,279
56
idaho
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,581
10,279
56
idaho
Men’s advice column

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal
 

JimP

Administrator
Mar 28, 2016
7,070
8,347
70
Gypsum, Co
Little Johnny's mother is putting away some laundry in his room one day when she finds a box "hidden" in one of the dresser drawers. She opens the box to find numerous BDSM devices. Appalled by what she's found, she immediately shows them to Johnny's father to see what they should do about this discovery.

The father looks in the box, then back up at his wife and says "well I'm no expert here, but I don't think we should spank him!"
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,581
10,279
56
idaho
A cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy.

I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18.

You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!

See you in a week