A young liberal walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi, I'm tired of handouts, I want a job."
The man behind the counter replied,
"Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big white Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The job pays $200,000 a year plus expenses."
The young lefty: "Ah c'mon man, you're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter: "Well, you started it!"
A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, “That was incredible."
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
look man ,here's the deal ,this is the deal. will you shut up man? this is the deal . here's the deal. you were the worst president ever! now ,here's the deal .look man................what was the question again man ???????????
A husband and wife were at the marriage counselor and the wife said there were three things that really bothered her about her husband. 1. He doesn't talk enough, 2. He picks his nose and 3. He won't let me on top during sex. When the counselor asked the husband for his response to her issues he said "My dad always told me 1. Don't say anything that will get you in trouble , 2. Keep your nose clean and 3. Don't screw up.