jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
So I've suspected...
...for some time that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. You know, all the usual 'red flags,' she turns her phone screen away when texting; always goes out with her girlfriends; new underwear all the time. I try to stay awake until she comes home at night but I always fall asleep.
Anyway, last night around midnight I decided to hide under my truck and wait for her to come home. Shortly after, a car pulled in and she got our buttoning up her blouse. She then pulled her panties out of her purse and slid them on under her skirt. It was at that moment while I was lying under my truck that I noticed a hairline crack in the left rear shock mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or does the whole bracket need to be replaced? If it can be welded, does anybody have a welder I can borrow this weekend?
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow!…That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied…. “Get your own damn blanket.”
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow!…That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied…. “Get your own damn blanket.”
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, Pa Pa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, socialist left wing Biden lover, blind bastard, dip shit, Muslim camel humper, pecker head or son of a bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.”
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, Pa Pa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, socialist left wing Biden lover, blind bastard, dip shit, Muslim camel humper, pecker head or son of a bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.”
Joe Biden’s Greatest Accomplishment?
Showing us how great Donald Trump was!
Aircraft Maintenance Humor
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a’gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a’gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget
After his last class at Sunday school, Johnny's parents asked him what he had learned......................
Johnny: "Well, I heard about this guy named Moses and his people, and how this army chased them with tanks & guns. The army chased Moses back up against the Red Sea. Then, at the last moment, they found some canoes and escaped."
Parents: "That's not what they really taught you, is it Johnny?"
Johnny: "No, but I figured you'd believe that before you'd believe what they told me."
Johnny: "Well, I heard about this guy named Moses and his people, and how this army chased them with tanks & guns. The army chased Moses back up against the Red Sea. Then, at the last moment, they found some canoes and escaped."
Parents: "That's not what they really taught you, is it Johnny?"
Johnny: "No, but I figured you'd believe that before you'd believe what they told me."
One morning Snow White said to her prince,...
"I haven't visited the seven dwarves in ages. I think I'll visit them for a week."
The next day, Snow white came back to the castle in a huff.
"Why are you back so early?" asked the prince.
"Grumpy harassed me," replied Snow White.
"What happened?"
"Well, as soon as I entered the cottage, he told me my hair smelled nice."
"That doesn't sound like harassment," said the prince. "That sounds like a compliment. You should be flattered."
"Flattered?! He's a dwarf, remember?"
"I haven't visited the seven dwarves in ages. I think I'll visit them for a week."
The next day, Snow white came back to the castle in a huff.
"Why are you back so early?" asked the prince.
"Grumpy harassed me," replied Snow White.
"What happened?"
"Well, as soon as I entered the cottage, he told me my hair smelled nice."
"That doesn't sound like harassment," said the prince. "That sounds like a compliment. You should be flattered."
"Flattered?! He's a dwarf, remember?"
My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said,
“I’d better warn you, she’s expecting a baby.”
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper…
“I’d better warn you, she’s expecting a baby.”
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper…
A judge was interviewing a woman...
... regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honor" she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me!!
... regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honor" she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me!!
A little girl walks up to her father and asks: "Daddy....if you're black and mommy is Chinese, how come I look Mexican?" The father responds: "Honey after an orgy like that, you're lucky you don’t bark"
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”