jocularity

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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A new German coast guard officer was appointed during WWII.

So, as he starts his new shift after a few brief instructions from his superior, he sits down when suddenly, over the radio, in a British accent, he hears:

‘Mayday! Mayday!’

‘Mayday!’

‘We’re sinking!’

The German officer presses the microphone speaker button hesitantly, and replies:

‘Uh….ha….halloo?’

‘Mayday! Mayday! We’re sinking! I repeat, we’re sinking!’ bursts the British voice.

‘Hallooo?’ replies the officer.

‘We are SINKING!!! SEND HELP!’ cries the British voice.

Hesitantly, and with much confusion, the German officer responds:

‘Uh….Vat are you sinking about?’
 
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kidoggy

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A man walked into a Walgreens...

... and asked where the tampons were.

Cashier: "Aisle 5."

Minutes later the man returned with a bag of cotton balls and some string.

Cashier: "I thought you were buying tampons."

Man: "I was, and then I got to thinking about something. The other day I asked my wife to pick me up some cigarettes while she was out, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Her reasoning was that it was just SOOO MUCH CHEAPER. So the way I figure it, if I have to roll my own, then so does she."
 
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kidoggy

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When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
 
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Hilltop

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Feb 25, 2014
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Eastern Nebraska
Came across my LinkedIn feed at work...

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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Three women have just entered heaven, and are

standing in front of an angel, and St. Peter, to learn of the special privileges they’ll have living there.

St. Peter says to the women, “I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?”

The first woman answers, “I have only had sex with one man, my husband. And our first time was on our wedding night.”

St. Peter turns to the angel and says, “Ah, a woman who has lived as God intended, and certainly deserving of reward. Give her a key to the golden room.”

The second woman says, “I have never known a man’s touch. I was a nun, and stayed in the sisterhood since I was only a young lass.”

St. Peter turns to the angel and says, “Truly exceptional, a woman who has gone above and beyond in service of God. Give her a key to the platinum room!”

The third woman says, “I had sex with 239 dudes: 67 before I met my husband, 35 while we were dating, 12 while we were engaged, 78 while we were married and 46 after he died.”

St. Peter stands stunned for a second, then leans over to the angel and whispers, “Give her a key to my room.”
 
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kidoggy

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A hobo knocked on a teacher's door...


And asked the lady for something to eat or some money to buy a meal.
"Yes, of course," she said, and motioned to him to follow her around to the backyard.
"See that stack of firewood over there?" she asked.
"I seen it," said the hobo.
Not missing an opportunity to correct the hobo's English,she said, "You mean you saw it."
The hobo replied, "Lady, I seen it, but I sure ain't gonna saw it."
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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Joe and Jill Biden are in a restaurant...

The waiter comes over and asks Jill Biden,
"What will you have?"

She says, "I'll have the Salmon."

The waiter says, "and the vegetable?"
She replies "oh, he'll have the same."
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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After 20 years of marriage

a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.

The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.
 
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