jocularity

kidoggy

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A man comes home from working at a pickle factory and he seems troubled. His wife asks him what's wrong and the man says, "Oh, nothing. I just... well... recently I've had an uncontrollable urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer."

His wife nearly faints, then she blurts out: "Why? You need to go see someone. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist or someone tomorrow."

The man protests, "No, no. It's fine. Really. I'm not going to do it."

Everything is fine for a few weeks, but then the man comes home early from work and he's pale as a ghost. His wife inquires, "What's the matter? You look terrible!"

The husband tells her, "Well, remember when I said I wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

The wife gasps, "You did? What happened?"

The man starts to cry. "I got fired!"

"I don't care about that! Are you okay? What happened with the pickle slicer?"

The man sobs, "She got fired, too."
 
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kidoggy

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Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know.
I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
 

kidoggy

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A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
 

kidoggy

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A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him, “You need to stop masturbating.”
The man asks, “Why?”
The doctor replies, “Because I’m trying to examine you”
 
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kidoggy

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I was in a bar last night when a waitress

screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

“I know all the letters of the alphabet!” I shouted back.

Everyone laughed………well, except this one guy.
 

kidoggy

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I'm sleeping with the minister's wife.

Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally, the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
 

kidoggy

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Jay's primary care doctor recently retired and that forced him to find a new one, which he did.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, Jay's new doctor said he was doing "fairly well for a man his age"… Having just turned forty-four in July, Jay was a little concerned about the doctor's comment and couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" The doctor said, "Not sure… I'll need to know more about your lifestyle…" Then he asked Jay, "Do you smoke tobacco, drink beer, wine, or hard liquor… or do drugs?"

"Oh no," Jay replied. "Never! I don't smoke, drink, or do any type of recreational drugs…"

The doctor moved on to his next question. "Do you eat rib-eye steaks, prime rib, or barbecued ribs?"

Jay replied, "Not very often, maybe twice a year. My former doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy…"

The doctor continued… "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun playing golf, boating, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," Jay responded. "Too much sun exposure is very unhealthy!"

The doctor had just one more question for Jay to determine if his lifestyle would help him live to be 80 or if he'd have to make changes… "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of casual sex?" "No!" Jay replied proudly. "I don't gamble, I drive the speed limit, and I've never had sex with a stranger…"

After hearing the answer to his final question, the doctor turned toward Jay and in a serious tone he responded, "Based on your lifestyle, why do you even care?"
 

kidoggy

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Napoleon is at the annual military parade in Moscow, alongside Putin, engrossed in reading a newspaper.

At his side, Marshal Ney blurts out to him, “Your Majesty, look! If only we had such guns, we would not lose Waterloo!”

Napoleon keeps reading. Ney blurts out again, “Your Majesty, look! If only we had such tanks, we would not lose Waterloo!”

Napoleon only keeps reading. Ney blurts out the third time, “Your Majesty, look! If only we had such rockets, we would not lose Waterloo!”

Napoleon finally looks up from his copy of Pravda, and wistfully says to Ney, “If only we had such newspapers, nobody would ever know that we lost Waterloo!”
 
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kidoggy

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Sam and Ella...

...opened a new, self-named restaurant, "Sam-n-Ella's."

After three weeks without a single customer they realized they should probably change the name.
 
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kidoggy

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Three old Jewish women are sitting on a bench..


bragging about their sons...
The first one says... "My son is so wonderful, he brings me flowers every Shavis..."

The second one say... "Well, my son is so wonderful, he calls me three times a week..."

Finally the third old woman chimes in and says... "You both think that is so special...? I'll have you know, my son goes to a therapist, five days a week...!"

The other two look at each other and ask... "And how is this so special...?!?"

The third woman replies... "When he's there all he talks about is me..."
 

kidoggy

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When people say "You’ll regret that in the morning", I sleep until noon, because I am a problem solver.
 

kidoggy

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing. Today is laundry day.




I hope death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.
 

kidoggy

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Last night our internet broke down, so I had to spend time with my family.
They seem to be nice people.
 

kidoggy

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Global Facts About Sex


At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex (i.e. right now);

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: A few less fortunate are reading emails & web postings.

You hang in there...
 

kidoggy

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If men are from Mars and women are from Venus...




I recon all the other genders
were pulled out of Uranus.
 

kidoggy

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A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.

The Bishop asks him, "How are you managing with the loneliness?"

The Priest responds, " If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey?"

The Bishop nods his head yes.

The Priest yells out, "Hey Rosary, bring us two shots of whisky "