jocularity

[kidoggy]

Three bikers stomp into a truck stop...

...where an old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers.

“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

 

[JimP]

A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and a little boy, in a whisper, says, ” Hello”
Lawyer: “Is your mommy there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”
Lawyer: “Can I speak to her?”
Boy: (whispers) “She’s very busy.”
Lawyer: “Is your daddy there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”
Lawyer: “Can I speak to him?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, He’s very busy.”
Lawyer: “Is there anyone else there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes, the fire department.”
Lawyer: “Can I talk to one of them?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, They’re busy too.”
Lawyer: “Is there anybody ELSE there?”
Boy: (whispers) “The police department.”
Lawyer: “Well, can I talk to one of them?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, They’re busy too.”
Lawyer: “Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department and the police department are all in your house, and they are all busy. What are they doing?”
Boy: (whispers) “They are all looking for me.”

 

[kidoggy]

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

 

[kidoggy]

What do tofu and a dildo have in common ?

They are both meat substitutes !

 

[kidoggy]

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewelry store in
a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know, said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

 

[kidoggy]

Telling a woman to calm down is like

baptizing a cat !

 

[kidoggy]

What does a wife and a grenade have in common ?

You get hurt when you pull off the ring !

 

[kidoggy]

My new year’s resolution is I’m going to be less condescending.
And by the way, condescending means talking down to people.

 

[kidoggy]

If you think no one cares about you

try missing a few payments !

 

[kidoggy]

My wife came home from work....

.... and stormed into the bedroom.
She looked at me, sat on the edge of the bed, and sighed deeply.

"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.

"Why?" I frowned.

"You've been very quiet recently," she continued, "and you're always hanging around with that woman from work...Rachel?"

"Rochelle," coughed a voice from the closet.

 

[kidoggy]

what do BLM rallys and jan 6th have in common?

the media lies about both!

 

[kidoggy]

BREAKING NEWS

another new variant is emerging .
the otidi variant . not much is known about this new variant at this time but one thing we can be certain of........... be afraid , very afraid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[kidoggy]

if it takes you an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes ..............
............... you might be a liberal!

 

[kidoggy]

My girlfriend asked me. " Do you ever

want to get married ?" Apparently," when I meet
the right girl ," was the wrong answer !

 

[kidoggy]

A man was enjoying a conversation

with his friends. He accidentally hits a woman's breast,
he was instantly apologetic saying," If your heart is as
soft as your breast you'll find it in your heart to forgive
me." The woman replies with a sexy grin, " If your
johnson is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 305 ."

 

[kidoggy]

Why men shouldnt write advice columns

Yesterday morning, before I left for work, I kissed my husband goodbye as he sat on the sofa watching tv. About a mile down the road, my car started to sputter and run rough. Eventually it stalled and wouldn’t start. I tried calling my husband to come help me but got no answer, so I had to walk home. When I got there, I found him in bed with the 18 year old neighbor girl. When I confronted him about it, he said they had been having an affair for about six months. I'm very shaken up about this, and just don’t know what to do. I haven't slept well in a week. It's constantly on my mind and affecting my work. Can you please help?
Anne

Dear Anne,
A stalled engine could be caused by several things. Make sure there’s no dirt or water in the fuel tank, no leaking fuel hoses, and all ground wires are secure,
Hope this helps.

Jim

 

[kidoggy]

Sotomayor the "wise latina": “Omicron is as deadly as Delta … we have hospitals that are almost at full capacity with people severely ill on ventilators. We have over 100,000 children, which we’ve never had before, in serious condition, and many on ventilators.”

Breyer chimed in: “hospitals are full almost to the point of maximum” and that “750 million new cases” were reported in the US yesterday"

These are 2 of the smartest of "81,000,000"?

 

[kidoggy]

Who sponsored last year's lesbian convention ?

Snap on tools

 

[kidoggy]

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees a freight train.

The train engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

 

[kidoggy]

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Stop referring to us as "weed smokers". From now on, you can call us "your highness".

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it