jocularity

kidoggy

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Three guys debating who has the best memory:

Guy #1:" I can remember the first day of my first grade class."

Guy #2: "I can remember my first day of nursery school."

Guy #3: "That's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my dad, and coming home with my mom."
 

kidoggy

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I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3
in an international Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick.
 

kidoggy

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The continuing Kelloggs strike is getting serious. President Biden has weighed in and is asking the company to increase the $35/hr average wage for their employees to end the strike. Biden stated his belief that the company needs to do more to end the strike and get the production lines at Kelloggs producing his favorite cereal again.

After Biden finished speaking, the reporters rushed out of the room to get the story to their respective editors.

If I was reporting on this, I'd run it under the headline: "Froot Loops is for Froot Loops"
 
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kidoggy

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Her Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said “Nothing”. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it. One the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say “I love you too”. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Motorcycle won’t start…can’t figure out why.
 

D_Dubya

Active Member
Aug 8, 2012
395
787
South Texas
Her Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said “Nothing”. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it. One the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say “I love you too”. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Motorcycle won’t start…can’t figure out why.
Hahaha!! Took my wife a few years to figure out my bad mood was 99% either the Cowboys lost or my truck needed work. New truck and I barely watch NFL anymore …much more matrimonial harmony.
 

kidoggy

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A farmer went to milk his cow one morning. Just as the bucket was almost full, the cow knocked it over with her left leg. The farmer took some rope and tied the cow's left leg to a post on the left.

He sat down to milk the cow again and again as the bucket was full, the cow knocked it over this time with her right leg. So the farmer ties up her right leg to a post on the right.

He sits down for a third time and for the third time the cow knocks over the bucket this time with her tail. Since he's run out of rope, the farmer takes off his belt and uses it to tie the cow's tail to the rafter. Just as he gets done, his pants fall down as the wife walks in and...well somethings just can't be explained!
 
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kidoggy

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COVID Christmas Carols

"Baby, there's COVID outside" -

"Do you fear what I fear?'

"Good Rest Ye Boosted Gentlemen"

"Faici Baby" - sung by Brian Stelter

"It's beginning to look a lot like Wuhan"
 

kidoggy

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Two old lawyers who haven't seen each other in..

.... years finally get together to have some lunch.

"Life is good," one says, but lately I've noticed I've been getting pretty old. Like, I've been having a Freudian slip or two."

"How do you mean?" says the other.

"Well for instance, last week I was at the train station and I was headed to Pittsburgh. And when I walked up to the counter there was this beautiful blond woman, and she had HUGE knockers. And as I held out my cash I said "Can I have two pickets to Tittsburgh?'"

"Oh my," says the other lawyer, "That is embarrassing. But I know what you mean. The other day I was having breakfast with my wife of 43 years. And instead of saying 'Honey, can you please pass the toast?' I said "YOU BITCH! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"
 
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kidoggy

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An old man lies on his deathbed.

The end is near and family is gathering.

His memories run through his head as he lies alone while people talk in the other room. Sad things, joyful things. So many joyful memories. He thinks he smells his favorite cookies baking. Wait, the smell is real! His wife is making cookies, something she has not done for years!

He rallies and with his last bits of strength, rises from bed to slowly drag himself to the kitchen. The aroma of the oven fills the room and seems to fuel his quest. He reaches for a cookie cooling on a rack and he looks over at his busy wife who just now noticed that he was in the room. At the sight of her husband, her eyes go wide, her pulse races...

and she reaches down, throws her sandal at him and screams, "THOSE ARE FOR COMPANY!"
 

nv-hunter

Veteran member
Feb 28, 2011
1,501
1,174
Reno
To all of my liberal, left leaning friends,
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2022, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other countries nor the only "America" in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

To my right leaning, conservative friends,
Merry Christmas, God Bless You, and best of luck in the coming "Happy" New Year.
 

JimP

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Mar 28, 2016
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Gypsum, Co
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in
Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones
on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones
with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap
the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there
are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror
comes over him and he slinks away into the trees."Whew!", says the
leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading
after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal
for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey,
hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,
and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always
overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and
experience.
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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A man was riding on a full bus minding his own..

... business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
 

kidoggy

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Senior citizen texting code -

ATD - At the doctors

BFF - Best Friend Fell

BTW - Bring the wheelchair

BYOT - Bring your own teeth

FWIW - Forgot where I was

GHA - Got heartburn again

IMHAO - Is my hearing aid on?

LMDO - Laughing my dentures out

TTML - Talk to me louder
 
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