jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
Two Women riding in an elevator in a very lavish and posh building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, at $180.
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, at $220.”
When they got to the third floor, the old woman had reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks at both beautiful women in the eye,
Farts, and then says…”Heinz Baked beans … $1.50
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, at $180.
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, at $220.”
When they got to the third floor, the old woman had reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks at both beautiful women in the eye,
Farts, and then says…”Heinz Baked beans … $1.50
I was digging in our garden last night when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run into the house and tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
I was about to run into the house and tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
A man boarded an airplane with six kids.
After they get settled in their seats, a
woman sitting across the aisle, leans
over to him and asks " Are all of those kids yours?"
He replies "No. I work for a condom company
and these are customer complaints."
After they get settled in their seats, a
woman sitting across the aisle, leans
over to him and asks " Are all of those kids yours?"
He replies "No. I work for a condom company
and these are customer complaints."
yesterday I went and got the johnson fer johnson covid shot.
they asked which arm and I opted for it to be administered in the tip of my penis. for a moment the pain was excruciating but it soon passed and I now call it "club med".
I got the gold mine.... she got the shaft!
they asked which arm and I opted for it to be administered in the tip of my penis. for a moment the pain was excruciating but it soon passed and I now call it "club med".
I got the gold mine.... she got the shaft!
I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.
It’s just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it.
It’s just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it.
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -"Where you're from $5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"
The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?"
The Indian says, "yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!"
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from New Zealand!"
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from New Zealand?"
The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper. "
The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?"
The Indian says, "yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!"
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from New Zealand!"
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from New Zealand?"
The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper. "
My Life
My wife asked me if she died would I re-marry?
I said no, I'd just go and live with my brother.
Then I asked her if she'd re-marry if I died.
She said no, she would just go and live with my brother too
My wife asked me if she died would I re-marry?
I said no, I'd just go and live with my brother.
Then I asked her if she'd re-marry if I died.
She said no, she would just go and live with my brother too
dan maule
Veteran member
Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don
like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each
other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to
cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat
you up good,
yeah!"
Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge
across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife,
Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go
over der an beat up dat Clarence like you
say?"
Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see
a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back
home.
Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"
And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout
beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on
dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.'
You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across
de bayou."
like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each
other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to
cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat
you up good,
yeah!"
Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge
across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife,
Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go
over der an beat up dat Clarence like you
say?"
Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see
a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back
home.
Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"
And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout
beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on
dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.'
You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across
de bayou."
ezz all good. was never close to muh brutha anyhoo. he deserves her.
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal immigrant in the bushes right by the border fence in Texas, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence."
The Mexican, of course, agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are Green, Pink and Yellow.......Now use all them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok...... The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence."
The Mexican, of course, agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are Green, Pink and Yellow.......Now use all them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok...... The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
A Democrat walks into a doctor's office with a frog sitting on his head.
The frog looks at the doctor and says, "Hey doc, can you get this wart off my ass?
The frog looks at the doctor and says, "Hey doc, can you get this wart off my ass?
JimP
Administrator
Cowboy Chili
A cowboy walks into a seedy old cafe in Wyoming
He sits down at the counter and notices a old cowboy with his arms folded staring at the chli
The young cowboy bravely ask the old cowpoke, "If you aint going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old cowboy slowly turns his head towards the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says,
"Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the bottom of the chili.
The sight was quite shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili right back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too."
A cowboy walks into a seedy old cafe in Wyoming
He sits down at the counter and notices a old cowboy with his arms folded staring at the chli
The young cowboy bravely ask the old cowpoke, "If you aint going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old cowboy slowly turns his head towards the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says,
"Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the bottom of the chili.
The sight was quite shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili right back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too."
Our lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)
At home as in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not to incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter and the lager
Forever and ever
Amen
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)
At home as in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not to incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter and the lager
Forever and ever
Amen
Manyard Begley, a wealthy patent lawyer, had a lovely summer house in rural maine. Each year, he invited a different friend to spend a week or two with him.
One year, he decided to invite a friend from the Czech Republic. The two friends had an amazing time together, rising early and going hiking in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, they came across two enormous bears-- a male and a female.
Begley, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't as fleet afoot, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and tore into town as fast as he could. He got the local sheriff, who grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the bears were still there.
"He's in that one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male as visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the two bears, and without batting an eye, took careful aim and shot the female.
"What'd ya do that for? I told you my friend was in the other!" exclaimed the Begley.
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "And would you believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
One year, he decided to invite a friend from the Czech Republic. The two friends had an amazing time together, rising early and going hiking in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, they came across two enormous bears-- a male and a female.
Begley, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't as fleet afoot, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and tore into town as fast as he could. He got the local sheriff, who grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the bears were still there.
"He's in that one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male as visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the two bears, and without batting an eye, took careful aim and shot the female.
"What'd ya do that for? I told you my friend was in the other!" exclaimed the Begley.
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "And would you believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
A tourist lady is visiting an old west town and runs into a cowboy. Curious about his regalia, she politely asks him why he's dressed the way he is.
"Wull, ma'am, I wear this 10-gallon Stetson to keep the Sun off my neck and the rain out of my eyes. I wear these chaps to protect my leg from chaffing while riding all day long. I wear this big silver buckle so that I can use the Sun to signal for help if I should get into trouble. I wear these spurs so that my horse knows who's boss. I wear this leather vest to keep my body warm while leaving my arms free for roping. And finally, I wear these tennis shoes so that no one mistakes me for a truck driver."
"Wull, ma'am, I wear this 10-gallon Stetson to keep the Sun off my neck and the rain out of my eyes. I wear these chaps to protect my leg from chaffing while riding all day long. I wear this big silver buckle so that I can use the Sun to signal for help if I should get into trouble. I wear these spurs so that my horse knows who's boss. I wear this leather vest to keep my body warm while leaving my arms free for roping. And finally, I wear these tennis shoes so that no one mistakes me for a truck driver."
Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms please.
Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that sir?
Cowboy: Nah... She ain't that ugly.
Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that sir?
Cowboy: Nah... She ain't that ugly.