bringing you todays top news story...…..
AOC puts condom manufacturers on notice!
YOUR RIBBED CONDOMS TASTE NOTHING LIKE RIBS!
AOC puts condom manufacturers on notice!
YOUR RIBBED CONDOMS TASTE NOTHING LIKE RIBS!
jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
JimP
Administrator
KID : Dad, what do condoms do?
DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one.
DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one.
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.
"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught so far?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.
"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught so far?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.
“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Bonecollector
Veteran member
A man was walking home alone late one night
when he hears
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...
clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man.... Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin ... .... the coffin stops.
when he hears
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...
clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man.... Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin ... .... the coffin stops.
Bonecollector
Veteran member
Prerylyon
Veteran member
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about six months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 6 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about six months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 6 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Bonecollector
Veteran member
This guy lit our liberal friends at the award show. If you haven’t seen this it’s a hoot!
Kidd will love it!
Kidd will love it!
If you watch it omg Tom Hanks looked like he was ready to have a heart attack lol
Cojones de Toro
.
.
An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming round
in Madrid. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!'
The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because
there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’
The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
.
.
An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming round
in Madrid. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!'
The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because
there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’
The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
lol. awesome . got to be the post of the year for this thread and the year has barely started.
Little known facts
Before this week, nobody knew Suleimani's name.
Now, according to twitter, he's blown up.
Iran flew Suleimani's body home in coach class.
He didn't go first class because he didn't need the leg room.
How do we know Suleimani had dandruff?
Someone found his head and shoulders.
Before this week, nobody knew Suleimani's name.
Now, according to twitter, he's blown up.
Iran flew Suleimani's body home in coach class.
He didn't go first class because he didn't need the leg room.
How do we know Suleimani had dandruff?
Someone found his head and shoulders.
At a synagogue in New York City, they have marriage seminars for the community. Some are for women, some for their husbands and some they attend together.
At the men’s seminar last week, the rabbi asked David about his marriage. David replied that he had been married for almost 50 years. The rabbi was impressed and asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Shlomo replied to the assembled husbands, “I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, take her on trips and never look at other women. Best of all, I took her to Israel for our 25th anniversary!”
The rabbi responded, “David, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
David proudly replied, "I'm going back to Israel to pick her up."
At the men’s seminar last week, the rabbi asked David about his marriage. David replied that he had been married for almost 50 years. The rabbi was impressed and asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Shlomo replied to the assembled husbands, “I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, take her on trips and never look at other women. Best of all, I took her to Israel for our 25th anniversary!”
The rabbi responded, “David, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
David proudly replied, "I'm going back to Israel to pick her up."
WASHINGTON, D.C—Hillary Clinton has slammed President Trump on Twitter for not taking a more "hands-off" approach to the protests in Iraq that threatened American lives at the embassy there.
After Trump quickly sent Marines to defend Americans trapped at the embassy, Clinton immediately blasted him for taking such "rash, uncalled-for" action when he could have just "waited around a while to see what happens."
"If I were president, I definitely would have let things play out," she said. "Sending American troops to protect American lives seems a little hasty. What if you need to get a little shut-eye or recharge in your lizard person spawning chamber for a few hours?""I would have slept on it first."
She later admitted her criticisms might not matter, because, "What difference, at this point, does it make?"
Meanwhile, Americans under siege at the embassy took a few moments to thank God that Hillary Clinton is not the president of the United States.
After Trump quickly sent Marines to defend Americans trapped at the embassy, Clinton immediately blasted him for taking such "rash, uncalled-for" action when he could have just "waited around a while to see what happens."
"If I were president, I definitely would have let things play out," she said. "Sending American troops to protect American lives seems a little hasty. What if you need to get a little shut-eye or recharge in your lizard person spawning chamber for a few hours?""I would have slept on it first."
She later admitted her criticisms might not matter, because, "What difference, at this point, does it make?"
Meanwhile, Americans under siege at the embassy took a few moments to thank God that Hillary Clinton is not the president of the United States.