jocularity

[dirtclod Az.]

OK JimP...Today at the bank an old lady asked me to help check her balance.So I pushed her over.

Bought some shoes from a drug dealer,Don't know what he laced them with...but I been tripping all day!

 

[Hilltop]

A cop was patrolling...
Late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:

“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.

 

[kidoggy]

Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

 

[kidoggy]

Two guys are chatting in a bar

One says, "Did you know lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?" "Damn!", says his friend. "And i just joined the Elks."

 

[kidoggy]

Last night

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

 

[dirtclod Az.]

What do you call a fish without eyes?FSH.

 

[JimP]

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

 

[kidoggy]

I don’t understand people who don’t like dogs...

Seriously, you probably didn’t use the right kind of sauce

 

[kidoggy]

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."

The mortician agrees and thanks the woman and the first woman leaves. Now the second woman comes in and says, "I know I've brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I've always really loved him in blue. Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?"

The mortician assures her that it's not a problem and the second woman thanks her and leaves. A few days later the mortician shows up at the first man's funeral and his widow walks up and says, "Thank you so much for doing this. My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him."

The mortician replies, "Of course, I was happy to do it. And here's your check back."

"No, I really appreciate it and I want to pay you, just take whatever you need."

"Oh no really, it didn't cost me anything. You see, right after you came in a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit and she wanted him wearing blue. So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads.

 

[JimP]

 

[kidoggy]

Taxes
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

[kidoggy]

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work .

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it.

"Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. I was in the park yesterday and a beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down her bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want. '"

"Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

 

[JimP]

 

[kidoggy]

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you dumb jackass."

 

[kidoggy]

My wife said, "Whisper dirty things into my ear."
I said, "Kitchen, bathroom, living room...................................."

 

[kidoggy]

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said.

"Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

 

[kidoggy]

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a son. He was attached to a wooden cross with holes in his feet and hands. Then he became alive."

Jesus starts tearing up, and asks with a somewhat broken voice "dad?"

The man looks up in surprise and responds. "Pinocchio?"

 

[JimP]

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand and talk or forever hold their peace.

The moment of silence was broken by a stunning young woman carrying an infant, walking slowly towards the pastor.

The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared at the approaching young woman and child.

The bride threw the bouquet in the air and began sobbing.

The Bride’s mother fainted.

The Best man started wondering how best to save the situation.

The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward?”

She replied "We can't hear at the back."

 

[Work2hunt]

My wife said, "Whisper dirty things into my ear."
I said, "Kitchen, bathroom, living room...................................."

And that is how the fight started.

 

[kidoggy]

And that is how the fight started.

naw , that just foreplay to de makeup sex.